LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
your manager has a spring in his step as he says, "I know something you don't!"
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
It's A Party!
Take a Letter
I've been eagerly anticipating a "Special Statement" from your immortalness regarding the amoebae-like division of Big-n-Hard ordered by the lawyerly types. You know, something witty like "we're all gonna die" or "surface to air missiles fired from Seattle, news at 10" or something someone else has offered to you..............plagiarize or get off the pot!! I've been patient 'till now....................but I have to know. Is my Winders box going to implode or maybe my mouse dies from the enormous amount of carcinogens it is force fed via intravenous doses of plutonium laced anal steroids while beta testing for the "Eat me Virus" or something of that nature that the great Borg might want to impart on us "the great unwashed"??
Tell me it ain't so Fek, tell me Tricky Dicky won't wake from the dead to exclaim to the world "the Borg is not a crook"!!
LT in Dallas
I like my coffee the way I like my women --- white, weak, cold, and bitter!
Special Statement From Fek'Lar Personally For You
Oh, hey man, I've been really busy partying. Do you really think I have time to put down my soda and Pringles just to send you a personal note? Okay yes, I do, but I wasn't going to because this rag has such a long lead time.
By the time you read this the Borg will have gotten through one level of appeals.
Yes I'm really happy that the Borg was properly swatted by Species 8472 (Government Lawyers). The Redmond Company loves to act like they are the victim. I just read where Ballmer said this would cause prices to go up. Really? How far can they go?
Take for example a Word Processor. Remember when you could buy a decent Word Processor for around fifty bucks? Okay Batman, your assignment is to go to Fry's and buy a word processor for 50 Big Ones. This is assuming you can find a competing product to Word. It ain't easy is it? Your only alternative is Word Perfect. Now let's poll the online stores for a the price of Word. Hmmm Amazon won't sell you Word all by itself, you need to buy Office for 399 bucks. The Redmond Company will tell you all about how they packed it full of features, most of which you will not use, and how much money you are saving by buying everything together. Let's face it, this is also a monopoly, and you are paying through the nose just to send Grandma a letter. Sure prices are going to go up. Just as far as The Redmond Company can shove them.
This is the same guy who berated Linux because there's no Blue Screen of Death, and of course The Redmond Company is now allowing you to customize their's. Hey Stupid! Linux doesn't have a Blue Screen of Death because they don't need one! You have a Blue Screen of Death because you suck! Thanks for adding features to your sucky core dump.
Ballmer also is saying that this court decision is going to stifle innovation. This from the company who, when finding out that Netscape wouldn't sell them Navigator, decided to spend 6-10 million to ruin the market. Tell me it's good for a company to spend 6 million to develop a product and then turn around a dump it for free on the public. Sure you're not trying to kill the competitor who needs the revenue. I believe you - really!
Lately, if you have had a great idea for a product and decided to look for VC money, you'd better not be working on anything that the VC thinks The Redmond Company might want to do. The VC are so afraid of The Borg that they won't fund a product that The Borg might decide needs squashing. If anyone is stifling innovation it's The Redmond Company. They are not good for our industry.
The universe likes to balance forces. The breakup order is very severe. Kind of shows you how much weight The Redmond Company has been throwing around. But you can sleep well tonight. There will be no missile attach just yet. Billy the Borg is spending too much time wearing sweaters on TV telling us that he's the new John D. Rockefeller. Well he can shut up about it. He is.
Rockefeller was a ruthless man who drove people out of business. When he found out about the level of hatred the people had for him, he had himself driven through the streets of New York while he tossed dimes to the crowd. In Billy's case he's tossing computers at classrooms where the teachers don't have a clue how to use them in the lesson plan. What I would give to have a swarm of moths leap onto Billy during some interview, eating the sweater off him in 3.14 seconds revealing a T-Shirt with a picture of himself on it.
Is your Winders machine going to implode and puke all over the place? What? You want today to be something special where your Winders machine doesn't puke and implode? If you didn't want the puking and imploding you should have bought an OS that doesn't have a customizable Blue Screen of Death. Get over it, boy! It's a feature!
As for Tricky Dicky, he didn't die, he went home (This is the plagiarism you requested.)
So stop Bogarting the Oreos and Jolt! It's a party!
Boogers Cure Cancer!
Not Yours - The Guy's Next To You
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"I'm very loyal. D-U-M-B Loyal"
"I'm of no help at all."
"Don't you think you're hitting the Pringles a bit early?"
"It was 5:20, I didn't want to get into it."
"Okay, I was wrong again. What does that make, 346 times?"
"I don't care what we have for lunch! Why don't you just go to the Vomitorium and buy a trough full!"
"Excuse me, Miss. I'm curious, does your carpet match your drapes?"
I need to put more ice in my bathtub to keep the sodas at precisely 34 degrees.
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2000 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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