LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
Your airplane has wireless internet access, but the seats are too close to open your laptop.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Next! And where can a guy get some decent cow around here?
Harold Peterson writes...
Hey, this is Harold. Some technical problems with Cingular have raised a general question I think you'll be able to answer. Originally I had major problems with my signal (as referenced in your latest article). After much pestering of the technical support people, they send me an upgrade chip which not only reduced the signal problems to semi-major, but also had double the memory (32k to 64k). About a week ago I saw an unusual tax charge on an order, and once again called tech support. On the first try, they just credited the tax charge back to my account rather than trying to deal with it. So, I'm wondering: how much is the minimum amount of complaining required to get free stuff?
Your statement on "Washing the Key to Clean Hands" implies that such a thing should be obvious to the general public.
still a doctoral meteorology student at DRI
Looks like you're fixing Hadrian's Wall.
On the subject of washing hands, it might be obvious, but it doesn't mean it's been universally adopted. Much like global warming.
It is important to learn how to get Free Stuff. You never know when you might need it.
It's easy to get Free Stuff from people who want to give it away. This includes people in booths at trade shows. All you have to do is tell them you think their product is cool and ask for a T-Shirt. Voila! Laundry is delayed by one more night!
Then there are the people who want to give you Free Stuff but you don't know it. The Coca-Cola Company is ready and happy to give you free soda. Consider how much Diet Coke I drink. (Trust me, it's barrels full.) Every once in a blue moon, I'm bound to get one that's not up to the standards of the fine people from Atlanta.
Every can of Diet Coke has a toll free number on it (1-800-438-2653). If you ever get a can that would not make John Pemberton proud, you just call this number and the Soda Social Worker on the other end will shower you in free soda coupons.
Then, of course, there are people who don't want to give you anything for free. You must be forceful with these people. I was once at Walt Disney World (The Most Expensive Place on Earth®) and stepped into the Ghirardelli Chocolate store. I thought it strange Ghirardelli, a San Francisco based company, would have a store in Florida, but I knew there should be Free Stuff inside.
At this store there's always a clerk with a basket of chocolate to sample. I love their chocolate, but it's expensive. So I just followed the woman around the store eating the Free Stuff. At one point she didn't want to give me any more.
I had to explain to her the economics of Free Stuff. The more Free Stuff she hands out, the more the store sells. It's a proven relationship. She could either screw up sales, or fork over the basket of goodies. Needless to say I walked out several pounds heavier.
So what are the key points to getting Free Stuff?
And that's how you get Free Stuff.
The Twinkee is gone. Long live the Twinkee.
He's right, I really don't want to be a manager. Instead of building and fixing stuff, I'd be explaining to people why they ought to do their job. Screw that.
Manager #6 arrived while I was in Bangalore. I saw some email traffic go back and forth to which I was only on the cc: line. I figured I'd wait until I got home to meet and greet and be nice for 15 minutes. But then I got a letter asking for help.
Okay. A real request for assistance. Not the normal new manager attitude I've been greeted with so many times in the past. I fired off a letter in response with an easy answer, a welcome aboard, and an offer to help get her up to speed. There, I can be done being helpful. The fifteen minutes of nice are over.
Later, I told her I was not coming in for the first three days after I returned to The States, and I wasn't taking PTO. I figured WTHAIS owed me comp days for all the weekends I was in India. They were getting off cheap. I needed to recover from the sardine can and eat some beef.
I don't believe in being overly sappy with a new manager. After the welcome aboard, you should be yourself. In my case that means setting real boundaries where they should not go. For example; some managers have a clean desk policy, I have a crap all over the place policy. It's my workspace, it's what works, deal with it. The Twinkee and I did not get along in the beginning. We had to learn to trust each other. I don't see why this manager would be any different.
Damn, we're throwing away a lot of money on airport security. Not only is it expensive, but it's making air travel completely un-enjoyable. I like visiting other countries, I just don't like the airplanes and the buildings that come with them. Security is going to kill the airline business.
I have a solution. It will be cheaper, and I think much more affective. We give every passenger a gun. I'm serious. Everyone gets a single round gun with a ceramic bullet. If anyone starts trouble, tries to take over the plane, people are authorized to shoot. Anyone who shoots their gun will be arrested on arrival for investigation of the incident. If you were justified, you can go. If you were a dick, we have a nice cell for you.
I don't care what the terrorists smuggle on board, they'll be out-gunned in the literal sense. I don't buy that my toothpaste has enough explosive power to take down the plane. But 200 guns do have the power to keep everyone in their seats and behaving them selves.
Did I mention this issue of The Crapolla is sponsored by the NRA?
I saw this in a job classified...
PHYSICAL DEMANDS: While performing the duties of this job, the employee frequently required to stand; walk; use hands to finger, handle, or feel; reach with hands and arms; and talk or hear. The employee is occasionally required to sit. The employee must occasionally lift and/or move up to 50 pounds. Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, color vision, peripheral vision, depth perception, and ability to focus.
I have to work on my focusing before I apply.
Kirk's has been around since the end of WW II (The Sequel). My parents used to take me there as a kid. Over time, I looked to Kirk's to be comfort food that could always be counted on. The burgers were made from a coarse ground beef and grilled over charcoal.
The founder of Kirk's retired and a child took over. The new owner added items to the menu. But the old items never changed... until I returned from India.
I've eaten hamburgers in a lot of places. I've had them in Japan, Asia, England, and many of the 50 states. Almost everywhere the burgers were a little different. In Japan, McDonalds is better than here. In Asia the burgers were made of pork and sawdust. In England they were burnt. But that was nothing compared to the disappointment I experienced at Kirk's.
Here was a burger stand known for their very high quality meat. They were never cheap, and not really that fast. But, damn, they were good. I dropped in for some cow on a bun, and got a burger that was worse than fast food. Half the meat was filler! It reminded me of that pork and sawdust burger in Asia.
Another pillar of our society down the tubes!
HP Wins NSA Contract!
Company's "Security" Department Most-Feared in Nation!
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"For some reason, the coffee in this building is better than the coffee in the other building."
"That's because we steal it from the other building."
"Next you'll be telling me the internet is not a bunch of tubes."
"Windows XP Service Pack 3, Code Name 'Vista'"
"Are you talking to an inanimate object?"
"Yes, because they don't talk back."
"Mind the goose shit."
"You guys just don't get intimidated by anyone."
"Sorry, you laid off the wrong people."
She wants help picking out a head set color.
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.
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