LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're a Real Geek When...
You start buying your underwear online.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
High Definition Bitch-Slaps!
I'm not one for getting into the crazy shopping that happens on the Friday after Thanksgiving. But this year, I happen to spy the Fry's ads in the Murky News. There was plenty of stuff that you could get for free if the rebates came through. I decided, what the hell, and told Mrs. Fek'Lar that I was going the next morning.
The alarm when off at 4:30. On days when I have something to do, I can get up with almost no sleep. On days I have no pressing business, World War IV could be happening outside, and it wouldn't disturb me. Mrs. Fek'Lar decided to go as well.
Fry's opened at 5:00, and we arrived at 5 minutes before. There was not one parking place in the Sunnyvale lot. That's a big parking lot. The line at the front door was four abreast and went around the building. It was like Lucas released another Star Wars. I told Mrs. Fek'Lar it wasn't worth it, and turned the Fekmobile around. I knew nothing good ever came from getting up at 4:30.
The FCC's sphincters are in a clinch. It seems that we Americans are not buying HD TVs on the pre-determined schedule the Commission and the electronics industry counted on. There's worry that when the NTSC broadcast licenses expire in 2009, there's going to be a lot of people with worthless old TVs who will be getting out their pitch forks.
The government is so worried about the switch over that it has rebates for poor people who buy big expensive sets. Huh? This conservative government is giving money to poor people so they can watch TV? Is this more evidence that we are the new Rome, and the government wants to make sure the bread and circuses continue? You can do a lot to the American people, but you better not take their boob tube away.
The FCC, by requiring that the cable operators continue standard definition service has, in effect, shoved the problem down the line. The government wants to sell off the spectrum the NTSC licenses now occupy. We're talking billions of dollars of spectrum, enough for a few days of the Iraq war. Big money! The cable operators would have to supply boxes that would down-sample the HD signal and then encode it to NTSC. They'll probably find a way to charge for this.
I'm one of the foot-draggers when it comes to buying an HD set. The main reason is the amount of equipment I need to replace is considerable. It's not just the TV. I need to buy a new dish and receiver (oh, and a new program package that includes HD), then I need a new PVR/DVD recorder. I don't get local channels from the satellite provider, so I need a new HD antenna for the roof, and probably new coax to connect it. The only bit of equipment I could keep is my amplifier. But if I was buying the rest of the stuff, I'd probably spring for a 5.1 home theater package. It's a good chunk of change to do all of this. But I know something very important. Electronics get cheaper as time goes by. So the 45" set I would buy could be half the price it is today if I wait the year and buy just before The Great Television Riots start.
But let's say I wanted to jump in now. What does one buy? There are three competing screen technologies, each with their merits and demerits. There are two competing standards for recordable discs. This alone is a very good argument for not buying anything until one must, so long as you are happy with what you have today, and your current set doesn't blow up.
You go to a video store looking for something that will amuse. But how will you ever find a good movie in that sea of duds? Crash and I have a fool-proof method that gets you the best disc every time. Even a manager can do this.
Remember Beverly Hills Cop II? There's a scene where Eddie Murphy shows up with a warrant and shakes down Gilbert Gottfried over a bunch of un-paid tickets. Gilbert offers a bribe by saying, "Isn't there something I can put in this hand that will make you forget about what's in that hand?" That's the game we're going to play.
Enter the store and make a hard right turn. Pick up the first video you see. It doesn't matter what it is. Take a good look at it. Decide how much you like the prospect of watching it. Now, start looking at the videos on the New Releases shelf.
This technique is a bit of a mind-fuck. You're going to find the best movie in the store and, damn it, you're going to love it! Every time you find a video you like more than the one that's in your hand, swap it. Don't worry that you're dropping a video in the wrong place. They have people who straighten the shelves. By putting the video in the wrong place, you're helping keep unemployment down. I also do this at Safeway.
By continuously swapping what's in your hand for what's not, you're not going through the video store and finding nothing. You can, at any time, leave with the video in your hand. You always leave happy. The longer you play this game, the more you will be satisfied with your choice. Of course, this doesn't guarantee once you've watched the movie you aren't going to say, "Damn! What a piece of crap!" Our method isn't designed to make better movies, it's to make a better choice from the movies that are available.
The Bitch-Slap sounds pretty easy, even self explanatory. Au Contre! I've seen tons of people get this wrong. Their body just doesn't follow through when the mind calls for one. Like hitting a baseball, or playing golf, the secret is in your form.
The Bitch-Slap is a first strike strategy. You want them so shocked that a return of the favor is not in the cards. The slap must be of such over-whelming force that the receiver doesn't get off the floor for a few minutes.
As in baseball or golf, the Bitch-Slap starts in your hips. The wind-up is key. Your arm and hand are just going for the ride. As in karate, you are aiming the slap just a little past the receiver. This guarantees you'll doing the most important part of the Bitch-Slap, the follow through. You don't even want to start thinking that it's over until after the credits have played. This is the number one reason why people who don't Bitch-Slap well end up eating their own teeth. The follow through makes the difference between an insulting slap, and little birdies flying around the receiver's head.
So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa This! The holidays are here. More time with the bozos at work, now with alcohol. If you're going to speak your mind about these dip-shits, do it with gusto!
Cirque du OJ Back in Town!
Send in The Clowns!
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"It's amazing how many people want to sell me 'dick' medicine, but when I call the 800 number, no one wants to have sex with me."
"Standing next to me so you won't get hit by lightning isn't going to help. God's got a sniper scope."
"Never insult a man who owns a pig farm."
"Learn the system, use the system, abuse the system."
"We're not using it. It wasn't invented here."
"That's why it works!"
The party is just getting started.
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.
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