LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're a Real Geek When...
You mod your electric scooter from 12 VDC to 120 VAC and buy a 3600' extension cord.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
The Unlimited Rules
In the past, I have mentioned I have a Rule One. There are more rules to work by.
There are many ways to look at this. Stay employed because you need the money. Stay employed because you can't make a difference outside the building. Even if you're looking for another job, being employed is a plus when interviewing. You can negotiate more money. Whatever your reason, being employed is a good thing.
I lifted this line from M*A*S*H. This is easy. It's not that you shouldn't insult people. That's why God put marketing pukes on the planet. No, what this means is have enough resources to get the job done. Six bullets doesn't kill seven men unless you have one of those magic Kennedy bullets.
There are people out there who loath the idea of being on call. They also think nothing should ever go wrong at work. I suppose that's one point of view, but I have another. I want to be on the list of people called when it hits the fan. I want a front row seat at the end of the world. Why? Because the people who get the call during the disaster are the people who make a difference. I'm a lowly peon, but I get put into distros with VP's and directors because I have their answers. That means I have almost as much influence as someone several steps up the food chain without having to kiss anyone's ass. It also helps with rule one.
This should be obvious. But for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, lies always get found out. This usually gives you more grief than whatever you lied about. It also erodes people's trust in you. I heavily discount anything a known liar says to me. See The Bush Administration.
We've all seen these guys who like to take credit for every accomplishment. These are shallow people who live in fear. Only the most shallow people believe them. Most of us spot these guys and don't want to work with them, for them, or in the same building as them.
Give credit where it is due. Even if you don't like the person who made the big play, if someone credits you with another's work, correct them. Honesty is noticed as much as bullshit. When you've established your credibility as an honest person, your criticisms are listened to. People do want to work with an honest person.
The best way to lead people is to make them feel as if you will take care of them. To that end, when you give advice and it works, let the person who took your advice have the credit (see rule 5). Conversely, if the advice was bad, and there's trouble, step forward and take the blame. Shield those who trusted you.
Taking the blame further establishes your credibility as an honest person. It also, in conjunction with rule 5, shows people that it is safe to trust you. Getting people to have a stroll through hell with you becomes much easier with this credibility. At the same time, the person who is now chewing you out probably knows what you're doing. Even though they are yelling at you, in the back of their head they know they've found a leader.
The days of working for the same company for life are gone - even in Japan. My father worked at Lockheed for over 25 years, but that was a different era and a different industry. Today you stay in a crappy situation because either you want to work the problem, or there's no other job available. But staying in a crappy job for no reason makes no sense. When it's over, thank everyone, tip your waitress, and leave.
Simple. There are seven so far. I add to the list as another truth of the universe is revealed to me. So maybe I'll visit this again sometime.
Have you noticed this? Tons of companies are using the word Unlimited to describe their products. The trouble is there are limitations on all of them. Just what is it with companies not knowing diddly squat about the meaning of perfectly good American English words?
This started rearing its ugly head when the iWhinners noticed their iPhone iBills. They all had to grease up and bend over for the AT&T Unlimited Plan. The Death Star company wasn't about to let a little promise like Unlimited, which is written in really big letters, get in the way of the limitations written in really little letters in the service agreement you agreed to without reading it when you were in the middle of your, "I got an iPhone" orgasm.
The limitations the Death Star has but on the "Unlimited Voice Services" plan include conference calls, sending any audio which is not a conversation between two persons. If they find that you are using the phone for this purpose, they can terminate the service. Uh, if I call Grandma and then pass the phone to little Mary (total three people have been on the call), is the Death Star going to vaporize my planet? How would they know I was doing this? Oh, yeah, they put in the wiretaps for the NSA, there's probably a kickback deal.
If you think I'm being overly picky about the shared phone call, think about this. If you were to go on an extended holiday to Canada, and stayed for a day over two months, AT&T would cut you off due to excessive roaming. Finally, the "Unlimited" night and weekend minutes are only a good deal if you are a vampire.
But it's not just in the US where companies lie when they say Unlimited. Canadian Piotr Staniaszek was out freezing his ass off in an oil field testing wells, and downloading "stuff" to his computer using his Bell Mobility "Unlimited" browser plan. Apparently, using your phone to hook up your computer with a browser plan is a limitation of the Unlimited plan. Whoops! His bill was 85,000 Canadian dollars. After his protest, the company reduced the charges to 3,400. This guy should strap the money to a dictionary when he sends it in, and then cancel his phone service. Sounds to me like Bell Mobility's Unlimited plan is an unlimited ability to charge you.
Then there's this lovely ad from Papa John's. This has to be the most blatant proof that corporations lie to you every time they say the word Unlimited. Buy Papa's Trio which is three medium "Unlimited Toppings" pizzas for seven bucks per pizza. Limit five toppings on the unlimited toppings pizza.
What can be done about this? Nothing. Fixing this problem would disturb the delicate balance of commerce in the universe. We can't do anything that might harm business. If we made companies actually tell the truth customers would see that the offer is crap and not buy anything. The retail consumer is all that is holding up our house of cards economy. Eco laws hurt business, prosecuting fat-cat executives hurts business, and making business stop feeding lead to kiddies hurts business. Do you really want to bring down the house of cards and let the terrorists win? Do you? Now, get back to talking on your phone, eating your pizza, and playing Chinese Lead Soldiers with your two-year-old.
Britney Owns 63.4% of TMZ.com!
All This Time, She's Just Been Making "Product"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Jesus Christ, we have a bunch of idiots working here!"
"I'll tell you reason 1 why we're fucked. The stock price is now a number smaller than the product's version number."
"People used to say you were smart. But now that you've rejoined the company, I'm not so sure."
"We could probably make some revenue by changing the version and releasing it without any development, and then mention some esoteric features that have been in it for years."
"Did they teach you that in MBA school?"
"Do not under-estimate the power of the bug."
I have to cash my Unlimited Paycheck.
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.
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