LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're a Real Geek When...
you know that 10 X 10 = 100 in binary, hex, and decimal.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Anyone want to screw Sarah Palin?
Once upon a time there was an idiot Product Manager [You're being redundant again! Just put in the Diet Coke reference and get on with it! Ed.] who had a problem. Sales of SpacePokies on laptops were beginning to wane. The Product Manager had sat on his big fat ass for a quarter or two wondering where all the low-hanging fruit had gone.
One day, when he was supposed to be doing "market research", the Product Manager went to a Casino for a few hands of Texas Hold 'em. The Product Manager was a great liar, and thus a great poker player. He raised, and checked, and folded, and held. Soon not only did he have all the money, but a big tax refund IOU drawn from the State of California with a picture of Governor Arnie on it. The Product Manager didn't want the IOU for, even though he was an idiot, he wasn't stupid.
"Hey, I don't want this IOU with Governor Arnie's face on it. I might be a Product Manager, but I'm not stupid!" he said to his vanquished opponent. And so he made a trade. He exchanged the worthless state note for a magic brick.
Every night, as he had been instructed, he slept with the magic brick under his pillow. Every morning, the magic brick hummed at 10 AM waking him in time for work.
One day, the magic brick didn't wake him at 10 AM, and so he was late for work, and got a crappy parking place at the far end of the parking lot. The Product Manager was afraid people would point and laugh more than they did on normal days, so he poured bourbon over his head to easily explain his late arrival.
"I've been doing market research," the Product Manager said. And everyone believed him. "Market research", as everyone knows, is code for "I'm lucky I only hit four parked cars on my way in."
Later that day, the Product Manager showed the magic brick to Lenny the Janitor.
After several electrocutions, the Product Manager discovered the "power adapter" and soon his magic brick hummed again every morning at 10 AM.
One day, several months later, when he was supposed to be doing "market research", the Product Manager discovered that the pretty pictures on the magic brick were really buttons, and that the brick would run programs. He sat on his fat ass all day long pressing the buttons.
"Hey! Is that an iPod? Are we going to put SpacePokies on it?" people would ask him all day long.
After the 73rd time, the Product Manager had a great idea. What if he put SpacePokies on the magic brick? He was sure, with enough "market research", that SpacePokies for magic brick would be a big hit, and he would get his bonus, and he would get to go to CES in Las Vegas where many products for magic bricks of all sizes would be shown. If he did his "market research" really well, he might even find a girl he could pay to see naked!
And so, after many months of "market research" and yelling at programmers, "We can't ignore the magic brick market!" SpacePokies for magic brick was released, and was a big hit. And the Product Manager got his bonus, and he got to go to CES in Las Vegas where many products for magic bricks of all sizes were shown. But none were as good as SpacePokies for magic brick, so he found a girl named Lola, and he gave her money to see her naked.
And the moral of our story is never accept an IOU with a picture of Governor Arnie on it.
Remember last summer? We were in the throws of the election. China had the best ever opening ceremonies for an Olympics, and gas hit 4 bucks a gallon. Those were the days! People took up bank robbery to make their Exxon payments. Just before Christmas I saw what I think is proof that Americans just don't get it.
To better put this vision into light let's first realize that gasoline prices in the U.S. of A. are cyclical. Every year about December 15 the price is at the yearly low, and on July 4 it's at the yearly high. That's not to say these highs and lows will always be the same from year to year, just that that particular year, these are the dates of the highs and lows. (This year is a little screwed up because there are no more banks to rob so prices at the pump dropped.)
The next island over there was a main battle tank being refueled. I haven't talked much about Americans and SUV's. To summarize and stay on topic, I'll just say I think it's wasteful in all ways possible, enough said. The main battle tank which was being refueled was idling. Huh?
There's a reason why all gas pumps have a sticker telling you to turn off the engine. You can get a spark jumping from the car to the nozzle if the car's electrical system is on. If there's an air-gas vapor at the spark, you get ignition. If you're stupid enough to pull the nozzle out of the car, you not only burn your car down, but you also take out the gas station, and probably yourself. Idling while fueling is dangerous.
After I recovered from how insanely stupid this person was, I realized that here was an example of Americans not getting it. "Gas is cheap! I'll just keep driving the tank, and I'll waste gas while refueling. Maybe I could also burn money while I'm at it!"
I do believe global warning is caused by human action. But I have no delusion that enough people want to actually preserve the environment to make a difference. So let's not even talk about the environment. Before you and the Fox News crew start throwing the tree-hugger epithets at me, let's talk about our Global Empire. We're making ourselves weaker by importing oil. We need to think about energy as a weapons system. If we could stop wasting gas, and move towards cars that use very little gas, perhaps we could tell those people who really don't like us to go do something to themselves that would otherwise be considered biologically impossible. You want to screw these guys? Sure you do, it's the American way!
If energy is a weapon who is it serving today? Any one who is selling it. Cash leaves the U.S. of A. and goes to countries that hate us. Who is being harmed and who is being made stronger? The good news is we still have the most money (which is the ultimate weapon) and can develop technology that makes imported energy less valuable. I've been waiting for the plug-in hybrids to be released. There's still a couple years to go on this (assuming there are any car companies left). I'll pay more for a plug-in not because I think I'm going to save the earth. No, I want to screw all those countries that sell us oil with one hand and burn our flag with the other.
There's a bonus. I won't just be screwing the guys we've been buying oil from, I'm going to be screwing everyone who sells oil. That includes the Venezuelans, Ruskies, Saudis, Iranians, Iraqis, Brits, Canadians, Texans, Kuwaitis, and Sarah Palin. (That's right! I'm going to be screwing Sarah Palin!) It's a global oil market. I buy less, they eat less. Buy a plug-in hybrid, screw them all and let God figure it out!
You love America, don't you? Then turn off your engine at the pump, and turn your battle tank into an apartment. You'll be doing your part to keep our Global Empire strong. Besides, secretly, deep down, you want to screw Sarah Palin, don't you? Sure you do!
New Zealand Criminalizes the Internet
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Flat is the new up!"
"I usually toss in a grenade, and talk to the survivors."
"We're not calling it a layoff. We're calling it an 'employment intervention'."
"Maybe your Indians can talk with our Indians. They can meet somewhere, have a Chai and figure this out."
"I have no cannibal desire. I just want a baby skin jacket."
The upgrade just came through my window.
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.
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