LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You know you're screwed when...
The Queen says you're old fashioned.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Running to the door of your swanky house wearing a Halloween mask.
Pale Face writes...
My CEO just sold 90% of his shares. Do you think this means something?
Pale Face in Cube 42
Dear Pale Face,
Run, do not walk to the exit. Sell your stock options now.
P.S. Tell me your company name so I can short the stock.
I was up the pennisula getting corn dogs for lunch. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I was taken aback. It was mid-June and I was looking at a Spirit Halloween store. I thought this was a well-run company. Only opening their stores just as the season started, and closing back up on the first on November. Hmmm, something was afoot.
We've seen the phenomenon before. Stores who put up their Christmas decorations on October 15th. I really dislike this practice. I've grown to enjoy the holidays. But I like to have each one in turn. To me, the holiday season starts with Halloween. I don't do parties. I just stay home and throw candy at children while wearing a t-shirt that makes their parents wonder what I tossed in their kid's bag. Thanksgiving gives me a chance to buy turkeys real cheap and to smoke one. Last year, I bought three. The second two stayed in my freezer until the fourth of July, when I smoked another. The last bird will get done probably in September.
The day after Thanksgiving, I say to the retailers of the U.S. of A. to go for it. Make your money for the year. But not a day sooner. A month of insane prices is enough. I also don't fire up the Christmas lights until Black Friday, and I take them down on Hang Over Day (January 1). At this point, the holidays are over. The great drought of paid days off starts, as well as the drought of decent weather. Life sucks until late March.
Then I read a headline that really shocked me. Disney, who loves to "celebrate" stuff decided in mid-June to celebrate that we were "Half way to Christmas". Is Mickey huffing paint, or did Captain Obvious join the Marketing department? Yes, we're half way to Christmas, and almost there for the fourth of July you un-patriotic rodent! After the fireworks you can celebrate John Pemberton's birthday with a Diet Coke. Six months is way too far to begin the whole Christmas girding of one's loins.
Can we have all of the holidays, and not just the one that feeds the corporations? I know the Supreme Court decided that corporations are now people, and next year they get to start voting based on their market cap. I'm actually kind of happy they did this. The government is finally fessing up that it only cares about their money and not actual citizens. If the corporations would just hold their collective bladders a few months, we citizens could continue to pretend that we still matter.
Recently, I was on a vacation with a large group of people. All, told, there were 15 of us. Over the two week period, it was interesting what you could learn about people who were total strangers at the beginning of the trip. Remember what a pain in the ass I am about not handing out too much information on the internet? Now that's true in real life as well. Here's an example of how people are bleeding information without knowing it.
One couple was from one of the more fashionable cities in Southern California. (But I liked them anyway.) Over the course of the 12 days, they talked about their house, and the history of their upgrading, including the acquisition of the adjoining lot. That's all we were told.
When we returned, I jumped onto zillow.com and started looking around their city. I found a neighborhood that matched the geography our new friends described, and then looked for a house that spanned over the property line, to another lot which didn't have street access. As if to say, "Is this your card?" I had found the street address. I could see what they paid for the house, and what it was worth in the current market. This was all from just a casual conversation or two about upgrading a house.
Jerry Sandusky named honorary Monsignor by the Vatican
"Hey, he scored enough points," said the Pope
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Don't call it a 'Frat'! You wouldn't call your country a 'cunt', would you?"
"I'm still in my honeymoon phase. I've hardly got my dress off."
"The only other industry that calls the customer a 'user' is the illegal drug industry. Their quality is much better than ours."
"There's only one reason you would come back. You've forgotten what working here is like. I think HR neutralized you during your exit interview."
"Do you think we should return to a metal currency?"
"I think we should return to Wampum."
I have to repair my co-worker's machine with fdisk.
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.
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