LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
Your manager announces an offsite, and twelve weeks later, he's still "planning it".
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
We pack up our issues and hit the road.
The world is a very screwed up place, and the english language is going right to hell. It all started in the 80's on campuses like UC Berkeley. People decided that reality was too harsh so the language had to be changed to make everything a "happy experience". "Political Correctness" is the bullshit that came out of that mill.
People aren't supposed ignore their "issues". We are supposed to grow from the experience. Do you know where I deal with my "Issues"? On the can. "Take a dump, get an education", that's my motto. Do I grow from the experience? Not physically. While I'm dealing with my "issues", I like to think I'm meeting the "milestone" of my "deliverables".
But then you must realize that my "issues" are "deliverables" of the United States Postal Service. That in mind, I've decided to subscribe to Guns & Ammo. I figure workers in the bulk mail center might be able to put little comments in the margins which will "Add Value" to my "issues".
As I might have mentioned, she who will soon be Mrs. Fek'Lar and I are 5 weeks away from wedded bliss. This means we are running around trying to get a million details worked out. This has seriously cut into my "pondering the absurdity of the software industry" thinking. So on that note, since I'm in the middle of packing to move to a new abode, I thought I would repeat my piece on the proper way to move from one cube to another.
Do You Feel Boxed In?
This is a big deal. Yes, you will want to find some of the stuff you move once it is over. So put like types of things in the same box and mark it Kitchen Utensils. Don't worry that you're packing 180 pounds of books into one box. We use professional movers who know what to do with this junk. They're very good at dropping that stuff in such a way that they won't break a sweat.
Do You Need Something?
What I learned a long time ago was that moving is the best time to get the stuff you really need. (I've had as many as 5 computers in my cube.) Tagging stuff that is not yours, but you wish were, is a great acquisition tool! The trick is to do it the right way. First, tagging stuff in the cube next to yours or stuff that belongs to someone who is going to end up sitting next to you anyway is just plain stupid. What always happens is a confrontation, and then one of you has to go work in the local U.S. Postal Service Bulk Mail Center. The other guy retires with a posthumous 'atta boy! Do this and you get the Bonehead Award for acting like a Manager.
Move stuff from a great distance into your cube and tag it for your new cube. That way when they come by later to ask you if you stole the fridge, you can say, "That was in my cube in the old building." and pass the lie detector test.
At one company I tagged everything, including the Coke Machine and sofas. The aforementioned Dispenser of All That is Good in The World and the Comfy Chairs never showed up. Was it because I was too greedy? Au contrair! I didn't get Sodas and Sofas because I didn't follow procedures! I should have reported the items stolen as soon as I got to the new place. That way security would have gone to the old building, found my stuff and brought it over just as soon as they arrested the movers. Always.. always, follow company policies.
Now you can pick up some Terrorist Style Points (TSP's) for certain actions during a move. For instance, You could tag the Basketball video game for your cube. Zero TSP's! If you tagged the machine for say some new person's cube, Mega TSP's! (They're new, they don't play the damned thing, and they've just realize how DOOMED they are! I think this will void their warranty.)
You can also redirect items in other ways. Let's say you re-directed all of your pinhead manager's stuff to a cold Meat Locker, in Barstow. You get Big TSP's if you photograph his reaction and give us double prints.
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"My wife's Chinese too, we never eat the puppy."
"I am somewhat of a trucker."
"I think you're a Lesbo, and you can't get it out!"
"You see those guys down there so quiet? I ripped out their fuckin' tongues. It's a management technique."
I have more deliverables to deal with.
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 1998 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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