LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
You hear the VP of HR yell, "That had better not be a real grenade!"
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
"Because that's the way it's always been done around here."
We can train primates to do quite a lot. The first astronauts were chimps. I heard Koko the gorilla who communicates to the world in sign language is now a partner at a venture capitalist firm specializing in .com IPOs. Your brain doesn't have to be too highly evolved to be a monkey, and you don't need an opposable thumb.
So what I want to know is how much of a monkey are you? Do you push the edge of the envelope fixing stuff and killing off the ludites as you go, or are you bucking for a promotion to Bald White Monkey and an invite to the managers' table at lunch? Think about it. How many things do you do without understanding why? Now if say you're doing tech support, when you join up you're doing a lot of parroting the party line without clue one. You're allowed to be stupid for the first month. But after that, if you're still parroting, you're in trouble.
I once sat next to Skippy. Skippy hated tech support. He would mute his microphone every other sentence to shout obscenities at the customer. Skippy didn't get it. These people calling kept us rolling in money and Diet Coke. You've got to think of customers as friends. Anyways, one day Skippy was in over his head. He didn't know why something was going wrong, and didn't really stay current with our technology or bugs.
"Hey, how come his font menu is blank?"
Any monkey can do what they've seen. You want to be a real Geek? Then understand everything you're doing. Understand the alternatives and why choices were made. Call into question the validity of the choice based on the current status. Sometimes the old choice is no longer the right choice. In the end, you're more productive, valuable, and closer to being an Uber-Geek like Phoneboy.
Have you seen the new PeopleSoft TV spots? They, like all HR functions, are in black and white. So this euro-trash guy sporting a van dyke babbles on about how these two kids who walk past him are the future. They won't put up with life in cubes. Their boss will be the best idea. They want to work for you or the competition.
Who wrote this shit? Let's take a look at this gem point by point.
The kids don't look like the future, they look like they want to get laid.
Their boss will be the best idea. When did this shit happen? First, everyone on the planet thinks the best idea is their idea. Second, their boss is the bald white monkey who pays them. You know 95% of the people who work aren't doing it to foster "the best idea". They're dragging their ass to work to pay rent, their pusher, or to get rid of the big debt they owe Fry's Electronics.
They want to work for you or the competition? Well that's narrowing it down! That's like saying they'll either be dead or alive. Where did they dig up this euro-trash clown? What does he know about business?
So what I want to know is who did they target this spot for? Everything on TV is aimed at a particular audience. Who is this for? It can't be anyone with a brain. It basicly says if you buy PeopleSoft you'll hire teenagers who will bitch about where they sit, will argue with you about your decisions, and they have zero loyalty.
Sure, that's why I want to choose PeopleSoft.
Speaking of commercials have you caught Netscape Poster Boy Marc Andreesen in a beer commercial with Norm "My Movies SUCK" MacDonald? What's Andreesen doing this for? He's got cash up the yin/yang, and doesn't really need the image fix. Now Bill Gates needs an image transplant. Think of Gates in this commercial ordering a round for everyone. Come to think of it, Gates could help his image if he sent a shot of Jack Daniels to everyone who bought a Microsoft product.
Proof Elvis is Alive Working as a Memphis Cop!!
Mysterious Donut Shortage Reveals Truth!
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"No, not physical torture. People recover from that."
"Lot's of stuff wouldn't have happened without beer. I'm probably one of them."
"It's 18 lines of crap."
"It worked? Wow, I just totally made that up!"
"I got my morality from Spiderman comics."
"This is so fucked up."
"I blame my parents."
"Good, then you can save a lot of money on therapy later in life."
I must go feed my parrot.
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 1999 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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