LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
your project's code name is "Sinker" and your company does not make fishing software.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Pissing and moaning about quality. But first ...
> First, tell them you don't believe in diamond
> lanes when they ask if there's any part of
> California law you don't agree with. You
> pay for them, you should get to drive
> in them!
I'm sorry to point out the obvious but you *can* drive in them.
All you have to do is;
Make a friend (not likely)
Buy a motorcycle (easier to park too!)
Get your sorry ass out of bed earlier (next to impossible, I know)
Sleep in later (that ought to be easy)
In fact, there are only about 30 hours each week that you can't drive your car by yourself in the diamond lane. So get over it.
If you really want to whine about something that you pay for and don't get to use, here are a couple of suggestions;
All my love,
Carbon-Based Life Form
ps Here's a new car to paint. I'm sure Derrald won't mind :-)
To clarify my position on diamond lanes, it is unjust to charge someone for something and then not give it to them. Which explains why it's a government that marks the diamond lane. Yes, it's 30 hours a week, but it's the important 30 hours. As for friends, I never see them anymore, they're stuck in traffic.
In regards to your suggestion for whining, I would point out that I didn't install Windoze on my hard drive and neither did anyone else. My Liberal Arts degree has done me well. I know the difference between fact and truth. The fact is I'm low on Diet Coke and feeling all whoosy, and the truth is Micro$oft is a monopoly.
What's to bitch about Air Force One? I thought it was a really fun movie!
I was recently asked to be a judge at the 5th Annual Managers' Pissing Contest (Junior Division) this year held in St. Louis. If I do well I might be asked to judge the Senior Division which is held either in New York, Los Angeles, or Las Vegas, depending on who won last time. (If you're going to have a pissing contest, why not have a pissing contest about where the pissing contest will be?)
While attempting to return to the Sillycon Valley, I discovered that the St. Louis airport PA system sucks to high heaven. Whenever someone makes an announcement it is played loud and clear to people very far away who don't care. The people who do care are completely unable to hear the announcement.
Other highlights of incompetency came at my hotel. The staff began delivering items to my suite I did not ask for. You know --- essentials. A crib, a fridge, a roll-a-way bed. It took three days to get rid of that final item. At no time was I able to get my toilet fixed. I was beginning to wonder if Trouble was sending all this stuff, then I remembered Trouble didn't know I was in St. Louis.
At the moment, I'm not big on St. Louis. But holding a Pissing Contest there makes sense. If you're wondering who won this year's contest, it was a marketing department who decided that tech support must not be allowed to post tech notes on the web site because
According to Geoffrey A. Moore's book, Inside the Tornado : Marketing Strategies from Silicon Valley's Cutting Edge, a software company is supposed to pump out product as fast as it can and not worry about quality until after it has gained market dominance. I think to a certain extent companies take this too far. The idea is to stay ahead of the others trying to gain dominance, not to kill off the QA Department budget.
I know of one company, who is really a services company, who recently shipped a new version of their client software because that's what the Gant chart said to do. If they shipped on a particular date a bunch of people got a bonus. They shipped, and the new client was so buggy, that in the first thirty days, the client had four dot releases! As I said this is a services company. This new client was important to them, but they already had a client released that worked very well. In other words, revenue would have continued if they had taken the time to de-bug the new software before releasing it.
In another instance, a company had an internal project to replace their database front end. The consultants came in one day and asked a bunch of questions then left. Six months later they dumped the new front end on everyone's desks. When people started to see problems (little things like data missing, fields full of crap), and asked for the old front end, they were told, it was gone. They couldn't go back. This was another example of releasing on time to get a bonus. This is a practice that needs to end. Even in the Tornado book, after you achieve dominance, you're supposed to start worrying about quality. If you don't, someone else will.
Santa Claus is a Communist!
Red-suited "St. Nick" uses Christmas presents to secretly re-distribute wealth to the Proletariat!
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"I'm eating a donut for lunch."
"What are you, a cop?"
"If you don't remember it, you were probably pain-free at the time."
"I like my coffee the way I like my women --- white, weak, cold, and bitter!"
"Sales guy to my left, Vice President to my right. I walk through the valley of death. I shall fear no evil."
"You're sending me to Marketing? Marketing is for idiots!"
"File it and Stick it."
"Look, there's Mike. He souped up his grandmother's car!"
"Thank you for using me as an example of what not to do."
I need to go split some hairs.
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
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