The Dictionary - D

D

1. The fourth letter of the alphabet. Derived from the Semites for the word daleth, which means door. Daleth came from Egyptian hieroglyphs which, in this case was a picture of a door.
2. Drag in aeronautics.
3. 500 in Roman numerals.
4. The fourth known quantity in algebra.
5. A grade which can easily be made into a B.

D-Minus

1. A pretty good grade.

Dadaism

1. The study of art created by babies.

Damned Little

1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
• Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
• Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
• Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
• Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
• Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
• Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
• Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
• You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.

Dancing Baloney

1. Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Dapper

1. A high-maintenance man.

Date

1. Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

Dating

1. The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Daughter

1. A person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

DBEFE

1. Developed By Engineers For Engineers - A product whose design is so bad, you have to be the engineer who created it to use it.

Dead Tree Edition

1. The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."

Deadpan

1. What your wife hits you over the head with when you come in too late with lipstick on your collar.

Death

1. To stop sinning suddenly.
2. Taking the idea of being "laid back" to an extreme.

Death Row

1. The street in your town where all the fast food restaurants are located.

Debate

1. What lures de fishes.

Debugger

1. A roach motel.

Debugging

1. Removing needles from a haystack.

Decaflon

1. The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Deception

1. See Advertising.

Deduce

1. De lowest card in de deck.

Default Directory

1. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Deferral

1. Don't hold your breath.

Deja Nu

1. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

Delay

1. The greatest remedy for anger.

Delayed Payment

1. A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Denial

1. How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

Denounce

1. Words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc.

Dentistry

1. A medical science concerning the teeth and gums, unknown in England.

Dentures

1. Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

Depotphobia

1. Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

Design

1. What you regret not doing later on.

Deskfast

1. Breakfast designed to be eaten conveniently at one's workstation, i.e. A nice clean clinical muesli bar, not a greasy cooked breakfast. Good manners used to dictate that one would not eat on the move or in the office, but not now according to analysts. One said: "Young office workers are pressed for time and looking for a fast and functional breakfast solution." Related to "no-think food", "one-handed food", and "commuter food".

Desparation

1. Teethmarks on the toilet door.

Detroit

1. The Baghdad of the New World.
2. Where the weak are killed and eaten.

Deuteronomy

1. The study of dudes from the Bible.

Devil, The

1. The world's best scapegoat.

Diabolical

1. Fun!

Diaphragm

1. A trampoline for dickheads.

Dictionary

The only place where:
1. Divorce comes before marriage.
2. Success comes before work.

Diego Garcia

1. As close to nowhere as you can get.

Dieting

1. The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.

Diet Coke^®

1. What you must bring to lunch when you eat at Taco Bell^®.

Diet Soda

1. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Digital

1. Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.

Digital Control

1. Wut yur fingers do on the TV remote.

Digital Halfway House

1. A location between home and office where you can score free anonymous Wi-Fi in order to look at porn.

Digital Signature

1. Fingerprints.

Dijon Vu

1. The same mustard as before.

Dilate

1. To live longer.

Dim Sum

1. A total of not very high intelligence.

Diminished Fifth

1. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

Dinghy

1. A small boat used for pleasure sailing, and wallet emptying.

Diplomacy

1. The art of letting someone else have your way.

DIP Switch

1. How my sister gets a new boyfriend.

Discahkentude

1. Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbor's lawn.

Disengendered

1. To be without gender. See Eunuch.

Disgruntled

1. To have your gruntle removed.
2. To be without gruntle.

Disk Crash

1. A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Disoriyenta

1. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

Divorce

1. Nature's way of saying, "I told you he was no good."

Divorce Court

1. A hall of blame.

Do The Needful

1. Indian Dialect: Accomplish that which needs to be accomplished. To do the task at hand.
2. American Dialect: Fuck the Poor.

Document

1. Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words.

Documentation

1. Describes the way the program used to be, or perhaps the way it should have been.
2. Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.

Dog

1. God spelled backwards, which explains why they worship us.
2. The best friend you're ever going to have.
3. An unattractive seventh-grade girl.
4. Not qualified to be your co-pilot.

Dogfooding

1. From the saying, "We eat our own dog food." to mean one uses their own products. One such example of dogfooding is the military phenomena of "friendly fire" where the same army shoots the bullet and is hit by that same projectile.

Doggie-Style

1. A sexual position where the woman rolls over and plays dead.

Dogma

1. A mother dog.

Dollar

1. The only thing that makes cents.

Doltergeist

1. A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Domestic Harmony

1. Music produced when a husband plays second fiddle.

Donut

1. Cop bait.

Doomed

1. You have created a product that will forever improve the quality of life for every living soul on Earth. Then Micro$oft notices you.

Door

1. Something to slam when you're pissed.

Doorman

1. Just one pay check away from Peeping Tom.

Dopelar Effect

1. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Dorito Syndrome

1. Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Dorm

1. Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes.

Dorm Room

1. A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.

DOS

1. An operating system used by lemmings.
2. DOS computers are by far the most popular. Mac users, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Douchebaggery

1. A collegiate discipline studied by future executives.

Downbloat

1. Downloading software that is way too big for what it does.

Download

1. Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Drag Queen

1. A woman who races cars on the quarter mile, and wins.
2. Shirley "Cha Cha" Muldowney

Drill Press

1. A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Drinking Glass

1. Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DRM

1. Digitally Removed Music

Drug

1. A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.

Due Date

1. What only seems light-years away.

Dufi

1. The plural of dufus.

Dumbwaiter

1. One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Dump

1. Your first apartment.
2. Going to the bathroom.

Durian

1. A spiny tropical fruit with an aroma not quite as pleasant as a fart.

Dust

1. Mud with the juice squeezed out.
2. Insideous interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

Dust Rags

1. Dad's Underwear.

Dutch Treat

1. When two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account.

Dyke

1. A lesbian whom a small Dutch boy once stuck his finger into and saved Holland. No one knows how that worked, or how the boy survived, or if the woman remained a lesbian.