Arrr, shiver me timbers, that Geena Davis be a fine wench! She be startin' this movie with huggin' an kissin' an' other acts of violence. When she be done with her bed scum, she starts stealing, an' blowing up the town. All be in a day's work fer a pirate.

But it's treasure she be lookin' fer. The treasure map be spread all over, and Dawg Brown be lookin' fer it, too. That Dawg be a mean bastard, and seriously killed Geena's fatha. He should've fristed his skull for part of the map, because that be where it was.

So Geena, needin' some more bed skank who can read Latin, buys herself a slave, who also has the good sense to be a thief. Together they figger out where the treasure be. Then, everything be lookin' like a Star Trek movie, with tall ships firin' cannon into each other's bellies. Geena's anti-matter pods be a weakin' an' the whole ship be blown to smithereenies.

But that not be stoppin' no pirate. Dis be a good movie to take a parrot to. It's a grow'd up version of Treasure Island, 'cept Jim Hawkins has tits in dis movie.

Jammed Pipe!

Film Facts

Cast
• Geena Davis
• Matthew Modine
• Frank Langella
• Maury Chaykin
• Patrick Malahide
• Stan Shaw
• Rex Linn
• Paul Dillon
• Christopher Masterson
• Jimmie F. Skaggs
• Harris Yulin
• Carl Chase
• Peter Geeves
• Angus Wright
• Ken Bones
• Mary Pegler
• Mary Peach
• Lucinda Aurel
• Thomas Lockyer
• Roger Booth
• George Murcell
• Simon Atherton
• Dickey Beer
• Christopher Halliday
• Chris Johnston
• Richard Leaf
• Tam White
• Rupert Vansittart
• Nick Bartlett
• David Bailie
• Kwame Kwei-Armah
• Ramon Tikaram
• Christopher Adamson

Directed by Renny Harlin

Released in 1995

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Reviewed by Mongo