LowComDom Performances Presents
The silence of the cold vacuum of space is interrupted by the hum of engines. The Starship Enterprise flies by.
COMMANDER DATA leads the night watch bridge crew. He is playing Solitaire on one of the arm rest displays of Picard's chair. LT. CANNONFODDER wakes up to notice a blinking light on the Ops dashboard.
What the hell? It's not time for me to wake up.
(eyes bug out)
Commander, deflectors just came up!
What is out there?
It appears to be a construct of passionate logic!
Red alert! All hands to battle stations! Captain Picard, wakey wakey!
INT. PICARD'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
JEAN-LUC PICARD is fast asleep, dreaming those little Captain dreams. The pulsating glow of the alert doesn't disturb him. Then, the audible KLAXON begins.
Captain Picard, wakey wakey!
Picard rolls over and hits the button to his alarm clock. The klaxon continues. An unfamiliar male hand reaches over and touches the same button, and all is quiet.
Jean-Luc. Wake up.
Picard stirs to looks at the stranger.
CLOSE UP - ME
I sit on the edge of the bunk as Picard silently looks at me.
Jean-Luc, you're boring me.
Picard gives me a strange look.
What? Who are you?
I'm the audience.
I don't understand.
I'm your very reason for existence. Without me you have no purpose.
Picard gets out of bed.
Who sent you? Q?
Get real. Don't you think the "Q" scenario has been played to death?
Then this is a hallucination caused by a malfunction of the holodeck.
Oh geez! The holodeck! Can't we just lob a photon torpedo into the holodeck?
Picard begins to speak again.
Nope, it's not because you're secretly Wesley Crusher's father.
Picard tries to speak yet again.
Nope, the anti-matter pods are just fine. I'M BORED!
Picard sits, begins to drink some tea.
You've done everything. It's over.
It's over. There's just one more thing for you to do.
INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE
The senior staff is assembled. DATA is giving a presentation.
At ten thousand feet, the Collabra shields will burn up. At five thousand feet, the antimatter containment fields will collapse.
Captain, you really want us to destroy the Enterprise because someone is bored?
We are an unwilling part of a great injustice. Millions of people are having the same crap rehashed at them over and over.
Like the last movie. We just did the Borg thing all over again.
And in doing so, we trashed the name of Zefran Cockeran. In fact, we turned him into a real wuss. Number One, make it so.
The Enterprise rushes towards the sun.
The bridge crew are at their stations.
Sir, we are nearing the breakaway point.
WESLEY CRUSHER materializes.
Did I miss anything?
PICARD and RIKER stand to greet the Boy Wonder.
Any time you're ready, Mr. Data.
We could use a hand. Wes, report to torpedo tube three.
Engaging thrusters ... now!
The bridge shudders, people fall out of their chairs.
That's the last time we do that stupid effect.
The Big E whips past the sun.
For some reason, everyone has decided to take a nap on the floor. People begin to wake up.
Where are we, Mr. Data?
DATA plays with his dashboard a little.
We are rapidly approaching Earth, sir. The year is 1998.
EXT. SPACE - ENTERPRISE BOW
A torpedo is fired.
EXT. SPACE - TIGHT ON WESLEY
WESLEY CRUSHER is hurling through space towards Earth. He would scream something obscene, but FINALLY in Star Trek we will observe the vacuum of space and the SILENCE it demands.
PICARD has a smug look of satisfaction on his face.
Well ... that was fun. Now, Number One, where is this Paramount Studios?
Los Angeles, sir.
Los Angeles ... that's where the freeways were?
Take us in.
Lock and load, Geordi!
Picard turns to discover TROI working a "Kiss the Counselor Good Bye" kissing booth. There's a very long line.
Could I have a few more hours?
Counselor, I want to see you, in my Ready Room.
EXT. AIR FORCE BASE
A klaxon is HOWLING in the background. Men and women are running in all directions. LT. SPLAT runs out of a building half-dressed. He finds his friend LT. LUCKY.
Incoming. Where's your shirt?
Well, uh ...
LUCKY hands him a red T-shirt.
Never mind, put this on and get to your plane.
EXT. AIR FIELD
Several fighters take off.
The Enterprise is breaking through the atmosphere straight down. Fire is deflecting off the bow.
INT. FIGHTER COCKPIT
SPLAT looks up from his radar screen.
Holy Mother of Pearl!
Splat, get out of there!
The fighter is buffeted as if by strong turbulence.
The Enterprise has grabbed the tiny plane with a tractor bean and pulls it into the starship's path. The fighter hits the shields and explodes.
The crew is being shaken, but are not stirred. TROI is smoking a cigarette.
The tradition begins.
Fifteen thousand feet! Collabra shields failing.
We're looking straight down upon Paramount Studios. The Enterprise whizzes past towards the ground.
EXT. PARAMOUNT STUDIOS
A squeaky LITTLE GUY is running after a BIG GUY.
It's kind of like Kung Fu in outer space. Worf is Grasshopper, and Quark is Master Po.
Are you out of your mind? Kirra is Grasshopper and O'Brien is Master Po.
The two look up and a loud ROAR from above.
The Big E hits its mark. The engines blow up, sending out a massive fireball which vaporizes all of Paramount Studios.
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
The large audience CHEERS as a mushroom cloud lifts up from the remains of the studio. The movie screen fades to black and credits begin to roll. The audience begins to stand a leave. I am still seated. C3PO leans over.
Pardon me sir, but what did you think?
It was a little slow in the middle.
I had a bad feeling about it.