-Harold
File Photo (He's much older now.)
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
guys with jackhammers start working just outside your office window, and you're out of NyQuil®.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
Letters, and Liberty, and Wi-Fi - Oh My!
Take a Letter
Steve from Texas writes ...
Hey Feklar.
I have been reading this fucker for better than two years now and you finally made a real point. Don't get me wrong, as I do enjoy your colum but you actually had something to say this time.
Good work hoss and keep them comming. (or breathing hard as the case might be)
Steve
P.S. This Texas boy will now go back to cleaning his guns. (we like our guns in Texas don't ya' know)
Just keep the shotgun unloaded while you read the rest of this.
Take Another Letter
Harold Peterson jacking in from yahoo.com (sounds dirty doesn't it?) writes ...
You almost made it this time! But, in the last paragraph, it should be "occurring" instead of "occuring".
Here's a thought: instead of painting Steph's car, throw it in the pool.
-Harold
File Photo (He's much older now.)
p.s.: How do I read Crapollas earlier than 1998-1?
Damn, that's full of Jell-O®! Is this left over from a Frat party?
If you want to read The Crapolla from before 1998, you need to invent a time machine and get a job at Green Lizard Software around 1995.
The Crapolla began when some idiot put me on the real early shift. I would write it in 30 minutes. Whatever came to mind went in an email addressed to the entire department. Tick-Boy said I should save these to some webserver, but I didn't. So I hope you studied quantum physics at OK.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (IP) Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the shredding of the last copy of the Bill of Rights, declaring the United States of America null and void. Ashcroft continued that the Bill of Rights was an out-dated 18th Century concept that had no place in the post 9/11 world.
"The Founding Fathers didn't have to deal with airliners crashing into 110 story skyscrapers. The freedom to be represented in court by an attorney is a luxury they could afford to grant. The world is very different now. We need to lock people up!"
Ashcroft referred to Jose Padilla, an American citizen who has not been afforded his constitutional rights to a trial and representation by a lawyer. "There is no Constitutional crisis," said Ashcroft. "By declaring null and void the Bill of Rights, we can let Padilla rot in jail for the rest of his life without the expense (and proof) of a trial."
Attorneys for the Department of Justice also unveiled plans to make it illegal to be an attorney not working for the Justice Department, the establishment of an official "Enemies List", and a new entry in the dictionary defining an "Enemy Combatant" as "anyone who disagrees with what we're doing."
The Supreme Court of the United States sat in the corner bound and gagged.
America's Journalists are fast asleep.
Wi-Fi - A Four Letter Acronym That Means Voodoo
Wi-Fi has come to we at WTHAIS. 802.11b cards were chucked onto our desks, and we were told to make them work. Our customers now have the ability to use our product with Wi-Fi.
How hard could this be? Take the CD-ROM that came with the card, pop it in the CD drive, then shove the card into the PCMCIA slot and wait for Winders to discover new hardware.
About that CD drive... there isn't one on the test computer I was given. For that matter, my regular work machine doesn't have one either.
Step One: Hijack a machine with a CD drive and share the driver disk so I can pull the drivers to my test machine. Oops! There's no CD ROM with the card. The last person to use this card thought it was an AOL disk and threw it away.
Step One (Revised): Walk up to a co-worker and ask, "Is that woman naked?" While he is looking, trade cards making sure to get the driver disk. Check!
Step Two: Hijack the machine with the CD drive, and share the driver disk. Check!
Step Three: Shove the card into the PCMCIA slot of the laptop, and wait for Winders to discover new hardware. Check!
Step Four: Beat My Head Against the Wall. The jokers in IT installed Winders XP on the test machine. XP stands for Experience (the pain)! The card manufacturer didn't publish on the CD a driver that XP likes.
Step Five: Pause for a Diet Coke®. Remember, it's the pause that refreshes!
Step Six: Look For A New Driver Online. This is either a real easy step, or it's like chasing wild geese with your pants pulled down to your ankles. The day was feeling very breezy. But after getting out my secret decoder ring, I decided which driver would be the right one to install. Wrong!
I referred this web site to our Cryptography Department to see if they could decode which was the right driver based on the Cuneiform tables. They chose wisely.
Step Seven: Download the correct driver, install, and give the machine a three-finger-salute. Check!
Step Eight: Enter the SSID, and encryption key. Check!
Step Nine: Log on. Check! Well sort of. It only worked once. Then Winders decided it didn't want to play anymore. After uninstalling everything, re-installing everything, and letting the blood of a live chicken on the keyboard, it still is very iffy.
By a strange coincidence, my four year old Apple® Powerbook G3 Series started dying. I've worn it out. I bought an iBook 700, and paid a little more to get Apple's version of Wi-Fi.
Step One: Pop the keyboard and install the card. Check!
Step Two: Open the Networking System Preference and tell it I want to use Airport (Wi-Fi). Oh, look! It found the access point and has figured out the SSID. Now if I only type in the encryption key... I'm surfing.
I've met a lot of Apple bashers in my day. They don't like the Mac because it's a semi-closed system. You can't "work on it". I don't want to. I want to get my work done so I can go sit in a hot tub.
People tell me Macs are more expensive. What's your time worth? I don't know about you, but I'm a high-priced Geek whose 24 hour days don't have enough time.
Use what you want, but don't diss my easy-to-get-the-work-done Mac.
This ends my audition for an Apple Real People TV ad.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
Aliens Pissed!
MIB II revealing too many of their secrets!
"At least Bobb's cameo was left on the cutting room floor."
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"What's a Ball-Gag?"
"I heard you got into a drunken brawl with the Bride's Maids after I left."
"I don't drink anymore. This is my problem."
"Funny, he's never this happy at work."
"Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop abusing my co-workers"
"The Fourth of July was a lot more fun when I was a kid. I was such a Pyro!"
"It's not really coffee. It's super-charged chocolate milk."
Excuse Me
I need to see how much food is in the bunker.
Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2002 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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EOJ
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