The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're a Real Geek When...

Someone mentions COBOL in a job ad and you get an erection.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

25 things you probably didn't know.

Job Listing of the Month

Desired Skills/Experience:

Have the ability to work on problems of moderate to high complexity and scope. Possess strong analytical and troubleshooting skills. Be able to handle critical client issues/problems. Be proficient at determining problems and delivering known solutions with a high level of client satisfaction. To exercise good judgment within defined procedures to determine appropriate action.

Compensation: 60+K or more depending on experience

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job!

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Ok, COBOL? Please! Remember Y2K, it was in all the papers? That was the last hurrah for the COBAL gang, and they didn't come cheap. Here's a language they stopped teaching the 80's and you only want to pay this person 60K? It is a buyer's market isn't it?

25 Things...

  1. I have ordered rat in a restaurant.
  2. I have been electrocuted many, many times. I'm probably immune to "the chair".
  3. Two toes on each of my feet have partially grown together. I inherited this from Dear Ole Dad.
  4. My first full-time job after college was running a porn movie channel on cable TV.
  5. Most blondes do not turn my head. Only über-blondes.
  6. My favorite movie is Casablanca.
  7. Favorite food: BBQ, Pizza is a close second.
  8. Have been known to introduce Mrs. Fek'Lar as "My First Wife" even though she is my only wife.
  9. I started writing this rag because I was bored on the 7 AM shift at work.
  10. I wish I knew at 20 what I know now.
  11. I wish I had the guts to chuck my job and just travel.
  12. Never bought into the idea that internet advertising was a real business model.
  13. I'm very Jeffersonian when it comes to religion.
  14. If I had my choice of traveling to a malaria-infested third-world nation that had thousand-year-old temples, or DisneyWorld, I'd take the third-world nation.
  15. Would like the title on my business card to be "Master of All I Survey" and if not that, "Code Monkey".
  16. I once signed up with NASA to go to Mars.
  17. You have a 1 in 26 chance of guessing my middle initial on the first try.
  18. I am naked in the presence of complete strangers several times a week.
  19. I'm planning my own wake. You really want an invite to this. There's going to be games involving my corpse!
  20. Ever since I switched to Diet Coke I can't drink regular. I get all wobbly.
  21. Blood Type: A+
  22. I am missing seven body parts. Can you guess which?
  23. Was once growled at by Steve Jobs.
  24. An Honorary Jew.
  25. I once flew in the "no fly zone".

It's all true.

This is What Twitter is For

I've been screwing around with Twitter. If you don't know what Twitter is, you should probably watch this video. When I mentioned my Tom Foolery to Trouble he asked what the point was. It's a fair cop. But you could say the same thing about radio, smoke signals, or the web. What's the point?

Twitter is light-weight, open, and effective. In 140 characters, say what you need. People who want to know will get the message. Got a link, include it. This is simple communication.

What's it good for? How about reporting? I follow CNET's Molly Wood. CNET has the better tech news podcasts and Molly is not only a reporter but does a good rant from time to time. I love a good rant.

Molly was assigned to cover the recent Apple "Special Event" where the iPhone 3.0 software was announced. In the past when Cupertino cranked up the reality distortion generator, I would have to find a blog and keep hitting refresh to find out what new thing had happened. That means reloading a very heavy web page loaded with ads. The bloggers love this because their page count whips way up. But this time I wasn't constantly reloading. Molly was twittering from the Mother Ship.

From time to time I would glance at the Twitter screen. If there was anything new, it automatically appeared. If there was nothing new, I'd glance back to work. I got all the news about such advanced features as cut and paste without dealing with a heavy web page. I was up-to-date.

This may be the best application I've seen for Twitter, but that doesn't mean it's being used this way very much. There are no ads on Twitter. Although Molly was doing real reporting, most reporters use Twitter and RSS feeds to point you to their ad-laden webpages. I understand that need, Molly's got to eat. But if you're a beat reporter on a scene and you want to break a story, what's faster than Twitter? Honestly, nothing.

I did some searching around on wefollow looking for both journalists and reporters. Wefollow is still kind of new, and the rest of the world is just now learning about Twitter. I found no reporters or journalists than I recognize. But maybe this will catch on. Just remember, NOTHING I ever predict about our technological future EVER comes true! Molly Wood's fine reporting, just an anomaly.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Fox News Receives Obama Stimulous Package

The President Speaks and Hannity's Stimulated Like a Rabid Dog

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Going to bed with a woman doesn't make you a dyke. Buying a Harley makes you a dyke!"

"Can I have that on a warm toasted bun? I need a shit sandwich!"

"There's no upside for being optimistic here."

"He's a man in a young boy's body."
"Who? Michael Jackson?"

"I heard he got an advanced case of the clap... from his own hand!"

Excuse Me

it's all-you-can-eat rib night!

Fek'Lar
They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people from the Christian Right.

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EOJ

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