The Dictionary - B

Baby

1. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer.
2. Dad, when he gets a cold.
3. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

Babysitter

1. A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Bach Chorale

1. The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Bachelor

1. A man who never makes the same mistake once.

Backup Disc

1. A spare frisbie.

Backward

1. Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital.

Bacteria

1. Back door to a cafeteria.

Baggage Claim

1. The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."

Baklava

1. Very Greecy food.

Balance the checkbook

1. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Balderdash

1. A rapidly receding hairline.

Banana Scum

1. The string of peel that sticks to the banana as you open it.

Banana Split

1. One banana, three scoops of ice cream, various sauces. Whipped cream and nuts to taste. A proper food for after dinner, after being dumped, or simply after exhaling.

Bandwidth

1. In computing, it refers to the amount of data that can travel through a circuit expressed in bits per second.
2. In high school, it referred to the girth of your tuba player!

Banking

1. Theft made legal.

Barnum, Phineas Taylor (1810-1891)

1. Inventor of the Exit sign.

Barstool

1. What Daniel Boone stepped in.
2. A device used by drunks to prove the law of gravity.

Barbeque

1. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."

Bard

1. (Soutern) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:
• "My brother bard my pickup."

Bare

1. (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Bartender

1. The devil you sold your soul to.
2. A psychologist with really bad furniture.
3. Your best friend.
4. What happens to wood after you've beaten it for hours.

Baseball

1. Three minutes of action crammed into three hours.
2. What American men think about during sex.

Basketball

1. The boring game played between Football and Baseball seasons.
2. 10 men dribbling on a wood floor.

Bassinet

1. What every fisherman wants.

Bassoon

1. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
2. The woodwind instrument that, when played properly, looks like you're taking a hit off a water pipe.

Bathroom

1. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing.
2. A room used by the entire family, believed by all except mom to be self-cleaning.

Batmobiling

1. Putting up emotional shields. From the retracting armor that covers the batmobile. As in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling.

Bat-shit

1. A form of psychosis.

Battery Electrolyte Tester

1. A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Baud

1. Baud is the rate in bits per second that a computer network or device can transfer data. There is a misnomer here. People seem to think that faster is better. But since this "bandwidth" is never enough, who the hell cares? Get a 300 baud modem, let it run all night, you'll have just as much stuff, and more money in your pocket.

Beach

1. Worthless land that costs so much.

Beauty

1. What a girl would rather have than brains, because the average male can see better than he can think.
2. a person you take into your garden for the roses to see.
3. A characteristic quite different from charm -- beauty is what you notice in a woman, charm is when a woman notices you.

Beauty Parlor

1. A place where women curl up and dye.

Because

1. Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

Beck, Glenn Lee (1964-

1. Winner of the 2010 Craziest Fucker in America award.

Bed & Breakfast

1. Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

Bedlam

1. What happens in your child's bedroom after you turn out the lights, and close the door.

Beepilepsy

1. The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Beer

1. The method of turning grain into urine.
2. The Anti-Work.
3. The reason football was invented.

Beethoven, Ludwig van (1770-1827)

1. A decomposing composser.
2. Created the Morse Code sequence for the letter V.

Bell, Alexander Graham (1847-1922)

1. Inventor of the Death Star.

Belong

1. To take your time.

Belt and Braces Man, A

1. The ultimate in being anal-retentive.

Benign

1. What you be after you be eight.

Beta

1. Beta is the second letter in the Greek alphabet. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn't meet specifications originally, and still don't now after a lot more work has been invested. Beta can also be translated to mean, "Broken, but let's hand it out to customers anyway." The first "test" version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release. If you really have balls, you charge your customers money for it.

Betamaxed

1. When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market".

Bid

1. A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Big Band

1. When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

Big Bang Theory, The

1. The notion that one day you might get laid. It's probably wrong.

Bigamy

1. The only law on the books where two rites make a wrong.

Bimbecile

1. Quitting your job as Governor after two years (not discounting the six months you spent running for Vice President) to "better serve the people" by making millions on a speaking tour, spewing non-sense.

Binary

1. Someone who likes both men an women.

Bindings

1. Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.

Biology

1. A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.

Birth Control

1. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

Birthquake

1. Term to describe a woman's contractions during labor.

Bit

1. A word used to describe an amount or size, as in "This computer cost quite a bit."

Bitch

1. A female dog.
2. Your ex.
3. Your cellmate.

Blamestorming

1. Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Bliss

1. Having no idea what is really happening.

Blizzard

1. When it snows sideways.

Bloatware

1. Imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 Megs of disk space. Or MicroSoft Word.

Block

1. The distance between some people's ears.

Block Diagram

1. Schematic gibberish.

Blonde Jokes

1. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Blowing Your Buffer

1. Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed.

Boat Anchor

1. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea.

Bob War

1. (Southern) A sharp, twisted cable.

Body Nazis

1. Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bones

1. There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.

Boob's Law

1. You always find something in the last place you look.

Book

1. A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals.

Bookbag

1. A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books.

Boomerang Workers

1. Retirees returning to their previous employer.

Bored

1. To attend meetings.

Border Crossers

1. Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm.

Boss

1. A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

Bossa Nova

1. The car your foreman drives.

Boy

1. A noise with dirt on it.

Bozone Layer

1. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Bradley's Bromide

1. If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Brady's First Law of Problem Solving

1. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"

Brain

1. That bodily organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office.
2. The thing you are forced to use if you haven't much formal education.

Brain Fart

1. A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

Brainstorm

1. To feign preparedness.

Bric-a-brac

1. Junk from the 1930's.

Bris and Tell

1. A detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story.

British Museum, The

1. The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world.

Britney

1. To be in need of a reality check.

Broadening the Organization

1. Hiring more women.

Brothel

1. Home is where the tart is.

Brute Force

1. When your brain doesn't work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies.

Bubblegum

1. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Bubble Memory

1. A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube."

BUD

1. Big Ugly Dish
2. The best part of the plant.

Buffet

1. French "Get up and get it yourself."

Bug

1. What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than 15 minutes.
2. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.

Bulletin

1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

Bullshit

1. Un-truths, Lies.
2. Political By-Products

Bureaucrat

1. A politician who has tenure.

Burp

1. Throwing up gas.

Burrito

1. The burrito is a modest rolled bit of food. It usually contains beans and cheese, sometimes beef, chicken or pork. All of this is rolled into a flour tortilla. Under no circumstances should you add chopped onions to a burrito. To do so is a felony in several states, and rightfully so.

Bush, George Walker (1946-

1. An early 21st century writer of fiction. Bush wrote mainly tragedy including WMD, Heck of a Job, and Return to Vietnam.

Business Card

1. A tiny lie you can pick your teeth with.

Bustard

1. A very rude city bus driver.

Butt

1. Female Interpretation: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
2. Male Interpretation: The organ of mooning and farting.

Butterknife

1. A gateway weapon.

Buttload

1. A relative unit of measure. Unlike units such as meters which can be quantified as to how far a photon travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second, the relative unit of measure will vary from person to person based on their diet. The scale looks something like this.
• Buttload - A pantload and a half. An amount beyond containment.
• Pantload - Two complete shitloads, equivalent to 2694 raises or 898 squats
• Shitload - A very large quantity, equivalent to 1347 raises or 449 squats
• Little - in fact the difference between little and damned little is too little to justify this space.
• Damned Little - two squats, or five pittances, or 6 raises
• Squat - Two and a half pittances, or three raises.
• Pittance - a bit more than "You call this a raise?" but not much more.
• You call this a Raise? - not worth mentioning at all.

Buttocks

1. An organ required in the learning of latin.
2. The middle name of Pol Pot.