The Dictionary - E

E Ticket Ride

1. That cutie in the car next to you.

Ear

1. A place where kids store dirt.

Earlier

1. A moment ago when you weren't paying attention.

Earth

1. Mostly harmless.
2. A planet which has attained consciencenous.

Earthquake

1. A topographical error.
2. When the Earth encounters turbulance.

Easy

1. A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Easy Street

1. Where prostitutes live.

Eat

1. What kids do between meals, but not at them.

Eclipse

1. What a gardener does to your hedge.

Economics

1. The study of migrations of small green pieces of paper.

Economies of Scale

1. The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.

Edible

1. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Education

1. What you have left over when you subtract what you've forgotten from what you've learned.

Education Budget

1. Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.

Egghead

1. A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's.
2. That same student once you've dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab.

Ego

1. That part of the psyche that realizes there is an outside world filled with idiots.

Ego Surfing

1. Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Egotist

1. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
2. A guy who suffers from I strain.

Elastiphobia

1. Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

Electrician

1. A man who wires for money.

Elephant

1. A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back.

Elevator

1. A metal container used to move sardines up and down.

Ellis Islanded

1. Having your name officially changed by a government official.

Elucidation

1. A hard to say word which makes everything perfectly clear.

Elvis Year

1. The peak year of popularity. As in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year."

EMail

1. An advertising medium which is misused for personal messaging.

Empty Nest

1. See "Wishful Thinking."

Encyclopedia

1. A collection of books which at the moment of printing were incomplete in their collection of all human knowledge, which can be stacked and stood on to reach the Peanut Butter on the top shelf of your kitchen cabinets.

Endless Loop

1. See Loop, Endless.

Ends of the Earth, The

1. Detroit.

Enema

1. Not a friend.

Energy

1. Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

Engineer's Estimate

1. The cost of construction in heaven.

Enough

1. The End.

Entrance Exam

1. Precoital check-up.

Entremanure

1. People who start real shitty dot com companies.

Entry Level

1. Pays nothing.

Envy

1. Terrible to feel. Wonderful to evoke.

Episiotomy

1. Cutting a wide birth.

Epochodor

1. The smell of history found at museums.

Erection

1. When Japanese go to vote.

Error

1. What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

Error Message

1. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

Erudite

1. Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.

Escape Sequence

1. Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence ...

Esplanade

1. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Esteemed

1. To be hot and sweaty.

Eternity

1. The last two minutes of a basketball game.

Eunuch

1. A person who has had their balls removed. See Yes Man.

Euronating

1. What "spending a penny" (using a public pay toilet) will become if the UK joins the single currency.

Evaporation

1. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Evolutionary Scale

1. This scale of human development starts with the single cell critter, then at
   • IQ 25 (Idiot) these are Product Marketing Managers like Biff Pondwater.
   • IQ 50 (Imbeciles) brought about Convenience Store Clerks.
   • IQ 75 (Morons) produced that guy on your left.
   • IQ 100 (Normal) is absolutely no one you know.
   • IQ 125 (above normal) is where those snooty bastards at cocktail parties hang out.
   • IQ 150 (fucking genius) Only one person has been known to reach this level. That man is Alex Trebek.

Example, Bad

1. 
   "My life is not a total loss. I can always be used as a bad example."

Excrement

1. a dump
2. a log
3. Brown Trout
4. brownie
5. caca
6. crap
7. defecate
8. dookie
9. dung
10. feces
11. floater
12. Lincoln Log
13. poo poo
14. poop
15. scat
16. shit
17. steamer
18. Tootsie Roll
19. turd

Excuse Me

1. One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

Executive

1. An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Executive Suite

1. A sugar daddy.

Exercise

1. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Exercises

1. A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes
   • Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs.
   • Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes.
   • Bind yourlegs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Exhibitionist

1. A person who discards three aces in strip poker.

Exotic Dancer

1. A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
2. A woman who extracts money from men by exploiting their natural mating urges.

Expedite

1. To compound confusion with commotion.

Experience

1. In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

Expert

1. Someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.

Explosive-Sniffing Dog

1. Canis Kaboomis A dog made of C4 explosive with a very large nose. Unwelcomed at dog shows.

Extra Credit

1. What you wish you had on your credit card.

Extraterrestaurant

1. An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Eye

Eye Contact

1. A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor

1. A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit.