DR. VERNE'S WHITE TRASH ETIQUETTE

Dear Dr. Verne:

Lately I been working at this customer service job while I look for something more manly. I know what you're thinking, Verne, but I got to get beer money someplace. Anyways, the job itself is bad enough, but here's my real beef: they got these uptight chicks who eavesdrop on your calls and then call you over to "discuss" them. Then you got to listen while they bust your balls for not being a big enough candy-ass with the customers. So here's my question, Verne: Do I still got time to get out or has this job already turned me into a mama's boy?

-- Wussified in West Des Moines

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Wussified:

Don't be so hard on yourself. If you ain't wearing pastel sweaters, you's still okay. You already recognize you're a pussy and that's the first step toward recovery. Sometimes a man's gotta humble hisself to bring home the brewskies. At least you ain't mooching off your in-laws. But you gotta be careful. Living in West Des Moines and working a sissy job can lead you down what you call your path of ruination. First you start shopping at the Gap. Then you trade your chainsaw in for a 200 hp blowdryer. Before you knows it, you go completely fruity and start wearing Dockers and them sunglasses with a string tied on 'em. I'll clue you in: Just say no. If you gotta work a pussy job, just start talking to customers about the lines for Sunday's games. If you keep saying manly stuff like, "I'm thinking about taking the points and New England" or, "I like Green Bay and the under on the count of San Fran looks a little dainty this year, if yous asking me," then you'll continue to harbor manly thoughts despite your pussy environment. If that don't work, quit you job and live under a bridge.

Dr. Verne