In The News...

A woman is out to break the Guinness Book of Records mark for being in a chamber with the largest number of scorpions, says Hamilton. "The old record is held by Lance Ito."

The Air Force concluded that reports of alien bodies at Roswell, N.M., in 1947 were actually crash test dummies used in parachute experiments. "Not to be confused with the dummies who believe they've been abducted by aliens," explains Mark Wheeler.

"Why does Batman have to name everything he owns with the word 'bat?'" asks Jay Leno. "he's got the Batcave, the Batmobile, The Batphone. Like when he gets out of the shower, does he step on the Batmat?"

In the Sky: The Pentagon has admitted its new stealth bombers must be sheltered or exposed only to the most benign environment- low humidity, moderate temperatures, no moisture. "Embarrassed Air Force officials confirmed that they often have to call in the elite Scotchgard unit to keep them flying." (Bob Mills)

"The Stealth bomber doesn't work well in wet weather," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Here's hoping we never have to bomb Seattle."

The FAA is encouraging pilots to help watch for hazardous materials loaded onto their planes, says Bill Williams. "There is an added bonus for Continental pilots. By reading the labels on the freight, they'll know where they're supposed to land."

On Campus: Caltech students were named the nation's most sober by the Princeton Review. "CalTech students put all their energy into pranks," explains Argus Hamilton. "Sooner or later, the Russians are going to wonder why Mir is orbiting O.J.'s house."

Charlie Manson was transferred after drug trafficking in prison. "Prison officials were concerned that he'd expose other murderers to drugs," says Johnny Robish.

"How crazy do you have to be to buy drugs from Charles Manson?" asks Leno. "Hey, Charlie, those drugs aren't dangerous are they?' 'No, I do them all the time.'"

The Redskins fined wide receiver Michael Westbrook $50,000 for punching out teammate Stephen Davis during practice last week. "Who knows why these things happen? One minute you're discussing Einstein's failed quest for a unified field theory, the next you're pounding each other's brains in." (Daily Scoop)

Teamsters president Rob Carey, facing a new election, is creating a sensation in Washington, says Stan Kaplan. "He is accused of accepting illegal campaign contributions from Americans."

"Football season is here again," says Russ Myers. "The way you can tell is that domestic conversation is limited to, 'What's the score?' 'How many minutes till half-time?' and 'Have you read my divorce lawyer's letter yet?'"

"The Cowboys' Deion Sanders announced at the practice filed that he had found peace in his life," says Argus Hamilton. "Just in time. They haven't had any peace around there since they took away Barry Switzer's gun."

In the News: The Paula Jones case will be heard May 28. "President Clinton vowed to fight this case," says Hamilton. "He doesn't know how to sexually harass a woman and he's got the lack of military experience to prove it."

"Two high-ranking North Korean diplomats have defected to the U.S. And why not?" asks Zack Taylor. "We've got it all -- life, liberty and the return of Donny and Marie."

"There was some confusion when one insisted on surrendering only to Hawkeye Pierce." (Perisho)

"Let me see if I have this straight," says David Letterman. "Dallas Cowboys head coach Barry Switzer was arrested with a loaded .38- caliber gun while he was entering an airport. I think I speak for football fans everywhere when I say, 'What? No strippers? No hookers? No drugs?'"

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he was very angry when he heard about Switzer's arrest. "He's one to talk," says Argus Hamilton. "Here's a guy who once read that drinking is bad for your health, so he gave up reading."

"The good news for Barry," says Jay Leno, "is when his day comes up for court, he'll be able to carpool to the courthouse with the other Cowboys."

Heat Wave: "It's so hot in L.A., the air started to expand and the heads of three Spice Girls exploded." (Jay Leno)