In The News...

We'll Try to Avoid Clinton Jokes Today: "OJ Simpson has a new book out. It's called 'Love Story: Love Means Never Having to Say I'm Sorry I Stabbed You.'" (Steve Voldseth)

We're Weakening: Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College will stop offering introductory classes and instead focus on advanced classes. "I don't care how many degrees he gets, I'm never going to call him Dr. Bozo." (Premiere Radio)

Argh, We Give Up: "A former co-worker says Monica Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al Gore was. So now we know she's attracted to anything that does and doesn't move." (Conan O'Brien)

We're Powerless: "This isn't a presidency; It's an Aaron Spelling show." (David Letterman)

Monicagate: "I think this whole thing started because the interns are underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year, and they only have to take a bullet for a president." (Jay Leno)

Sacred Cow: A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for allegedly serving him a beef burrito instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctors visits. "In its defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would've happened if he'd gotten the bean burrito." (Dennis Miller)

A Changed Man: "I think the president has learned from all this. He's trying to change. Last night, he even had a Secret Service agent bring Hillary up to his room." (Voldseth)

Brain Drain: Researchers say the human brain can't work as quickly at night as it does during the day. "That means those guests you see on daytime shows like 'Jerry Springer' and 'Jenny Jones' are at their peak mental performance. At night they're even dumber." (Leno)