In The News...

Golden Opportunity: According to Redbook magazine, men who wear gold wedding bands suffer less pain from arthritis in their hands. "It's not from the gold in the ring- it's from constantly working their fingers taking the wedding band off when a pretty girl walks by. "Hey, how are ya', baby?'" (Jay Leno)

Pulpit Fiction: Lawmakers in Kentucky will allow ministers to carry firearms in rural churches. "Boy, one thing's for sure: You really don't want to fall asleep and snore during the minister's sermon." (Paul Steinberg)

Pirates of the Mediterranean: Iran's President Mohammed Hatami says there are plans to build a $200-million theme park in Iran. "It's a lot like our Disneyland, except their Tomorrowland is the 14th Century." (Leno)

Keeping Up With the Jones: "President Clinton should have settled out of court with Unabimbo Paul Jones before she raised her demand from $700,000 to $2 million. His umbrella insurance policy covers him for $2 million for sexual harassment, so he could have paid her the $700,000, avoided an embarrassing trial and still had enough money to harass two more women." (Leno)