In The News...

Code of Silence: "Have you heard about the new Susan McDougal doll? Pull the string, nothing happens. Comes with handcuffs and chic orange jumpsuit. Ball and chain not included." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Making the Grade: Virginia high school teacher Philip Bigler has been crowned 1998's teacher of the year. "In a related story, Seattle teacher Mary Key LeTourneau won Miss Congeniality for the second year in a row." (Steve Voldseth)

Rocket Man: John Glenn will rocket into space again and will be allowed to pre-board before the other astronauts." (LaLa Land Letter)

According to a survey by the Miss America organization, the public is more interested in contestants' intelligence and values than in how they look. "So why don't we put the show on the radio and see how it does. -- Jay Leno

Ammunition for Thought: Statistics show that America has the highest rate of deaths from firearms. "Which proves that guns don't kill people, keeping statistics kills people." (Bob Snyder)

Bite Me, Elmo: Kmart is recalling thousands of talking Cookie Monster T-shirts that blurt out an obscenity when touched. "Fortunately, Kmart was able to repackage the shirts and sell them as uniforms to Hooters' waitresses." (Steve Voldseth)