In The News...

No Purple Pops: The Artist has a new album out. "It's called 'The Songs Formerly Known as Hits.' " (Andrew Wiscot)

Highway Patrol: "Cable network TNT is producing a made-for-TV movie version of the '80s hit series 'ChiPs,' which will reunite original cast members Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox in their roles as Ponch and Jon. Can you believe they were available?" (Dennis Miller)

Visible Vistas: The restored "Gone With the Wind" is much clearer. "Now, in the post-Civil War scenes, you can make out the 'Strom Thurmond for Senate' posters in the background." (Alex Kaseberg)

Equality for All: Unmarried couples, including gay men and lesbians, in New York City will be treated the same in the eyes of local government as those who are married under landmark legislation passed. "City officials say gay and unmarried couples have just as much right to wait endlessly in long lines at city agencies as do married people." (Johnny Robish)

Grammy Prospects: Sen. Trent Lott is part of a group called the Singing Senators. They just came out with a CD, although the sound is a little muffled. "Turns out they recorded it in the back pocket of a tobacco executive." (Jay Leno)

It's The End of the World: "Armageddon" is a Bruce Willis movie about a bunch of fools who save the Planet Earth from an asteroid.... Following right on its heels, watch for the Bruce and Demi divorce. Called 'An Arm And A Leg,' it's about a fool who loses the Planet Hollywood to an actress." (Bill Williams)

Leno Wants to Know: "How many people are here because they are on vacation, and how many are here because you were recently fired by the Dodgers?" (Jay Leno)

Young Love: Macaulay Culkin married his girlfriend, Rachel Miner. They're both 17. "Things didn't go well at the bachelor party. The stripper jumped out of the cake to surprise Culkin, and he hit her in the head with a bucket of paint. The awkward part of the wedding ceremony came when Macaulay got to kiss the bride. Not only did he have to lift her veil, he had to remove her retainer." (Leno)

Goal, Goal, Goal: U.N. inspectors have found nerve gas in Iraqi missiles. "Saddam Hussein defended his government, stating that the warheads were only going to be used as a last-ditch effort to win at the World Cup." (Gil Christner)

Dark Skies: "Smoky fires in Florida have caused big changes in the summer tourist areas. For instance, Disney World has changed its motto to 'The Haziest Place on Earth.' " (Christner)

Look Up: President Clinton gave out a prestigious architecture award in a ceremony at the White House. "This year's winner was the Italian architect who proposed mirrored ceilings in the Oval Office." (Conan O'Brien)

Toasted: A New Jersey couple is suing Kellogg's, claiming that some Pop-Tarts were behind a fire that caused $600,000 in damages. "President Clinton is following the case very carefully. He says every time a tart pops up in his life, it costs him legal fees of at least $600,000." (Hamilton)

President Jackson: "Jesse Jackson is hinting he may run for president in 2000. Dan Quayle is in no hurry to make a decision. After all, that's four years from now." (Alan Ray)

Nine Commandments Revisited: "The new Steven Spielberg movie 'Saving Private Ryan' nearly got an NC-17 rating due to extreme violence. Charlton Heston calls it 'the feel-good movie of the summer'." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Ricky, Ricky, Ricky: "Rick Schroder is gonna play the newest cop on 'NYPD Blue'. Yeah, right! When Kim Basinger wins an Oscar!" (Taylor)

"The Supreme Court's current term has ended...They struck down the line-item veto, made it easier to sue for sexual harassment, and overturned the cancellation of 'Dr. Quinn'." (Taylor)

President Who?: Newt Gingrich is still thinking about running for president. He says he knows his approval ratings are low, but he thinks he could win if the political climate changes. "That would be quite a climate change. Like hell freezing over." (Jay Leno)

Got Shoes???: "The Philippines have elected a former actor to be their President....On his first day in office he named ketchup a vegetable, fired all the jitney traffic controllers and demanded Manila's sewers operate on the trickle-down-theory." (Bill Williams)

Capitol Gains: Washington, D.C., now has a 5.7% snack tax. In a related story, Marion Barry has declared bankruptcy." (Rudolph Cecera)

Gamming It Up: "A new computer animated movie called 'Antz' is coming out. Big stars like Sylvester Stallone and Gene Hackman are playing the bugs in the film. In fact, Sharon Stone is supposed to be in this movie. This is going to be her biggest role ever. Look at all the publicity she got from 'Basic Instinct' when she just had two legs. In this one she'll have six legs." (Leno)

Runway Snacks: According to a NASA study, one in seven pilots flying commercial airliners falls asleep while in the air. "Which explains the stale peanuts. They're not for eating, they're for throwing at the back of the pilot's head." (Steve Voldseth)

Fountain of Beauty: According to a new survey, New York's water was chosen as the second-best drinking water in the country. "Of course, the most popular water in the country still comes from Cindy Crawford's bathtub." (Conan O'Brien)

The Morning Hour: Katie Couric has signed a $7-million-a-year deal to stay on "Today." "Something to think about for those of you who say 'You couldn't pay me enough to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning.' " (Premiere Radio)