In The News...

Eats: In the seventh edition of Dr. Benjamin Spock's "Baby and Child Care," published posthumously, Spock suggests that parents feed their children a vegetarian diet. "Hey, he was against spanking kids; he had to come up with some way to punish them." (Gary Easley)

Take a Hike: California lawmakers want a new law that says if you are convicted of prostitution, you lose your driver's license for six months. "You know what that means: You'll have prostitutes out walking the streets." (Jay Leno)

Old Stones: The Rolling Stones have canceled another tour because of health problems. "The Rolling Stones are like your grandparents: If you want to see them, you have to go to their house." (Leno)

I'm Your Server: "Waiters and waitresses have coined the word 'Viagran.' It's what they call a customer who stiffs them for tips." (Werner Haas)

Fishy: Long Beach's Aquarium of the Pacific has opened to rave reviews. "One of the more popular attractions is the Kenneth Starrfish, which costs million to keep alive every year and lives in a tank that leaks." (Joshua Sostrin)

Busted: Two Amish men are accused of buying drugs from a motorcycle gang. "How does this deal go down? 'Excuse me, sir. My brother and I wish to spend this bushel of wheat for your finest mind-altering hallucinogen." (Jerry Perisho)

Goal, Goal, Goal: After hearing that Norway defeated Brazil in the World Cup, residents of Oslo danced and hugged in the streets. "These people don't know how to celebrate. Where were the fights, the looting, the police?" (Perisho)

Changes to Expect at Dodger Stadium It's not over yet. Paul Ecker predicts the changes in Dodgerland may have just begun. Expect: - Vin Scully fired; Marv Albert hired - The Dodger Dog replaced by the Fox Frankfurter - Stadium Way renamed Melrose Place - Gates in the parking lot kept locked until the final out of the game - Dodger bullpen turned into a Hooters - RuPaul hired to coach switch-hitters

Shark Bites: A poll of lawyers in the United States shows that 50% think President Clinton lied about the nature of his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, while 42% believe he told the truth. "The other 8% tried to bill the time to answer the question." (Dennis Miller)

Academy Watch: A man convicted of impersonating a member of Congress was sentenced recently to nine years in prison. "His lawyers immediately appealed the harsh sentence on the grounds that he was only pretending to be a congressman." (Steve Voldseth)

Take Two: Steven Spielberg has begun work on a second sequel to "Jurassic Park" due for release in 2000. "In the new script, the dinosaurs team up with Godzilla and destroy the Titanic." (Bob Mills)

KFC Goes CIA: The 10,000th Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise has opened in China. "Meanwhile, Congress is accusing Clinton of selling China the Colonel's Secret Recipe." (Premiere Radio)

Lawton's Laws: Florida Gov. Lawton Chiles has banned fireworks for the Fourth of July because of the forest fires still burning through the state. "Revelers will just have to settle for the booms and pops of tourist shooting." (Jeff Corveau)

Laugh-In: Dan Quayle said he would probably seek the Republican Party's nomination for president in 2000. "Political analysts say it's unlikely that anyone would support his candidacy except comedians." (Johnny Robish)

Rule Britannia: A US fighter plane fired a missile at an Iraqi antiaircraft gun after a British fighter claimed to have been targeted by Iraqi radar. Only to find out later it was an electrical failure in the British jet....An embarrassed British mechanic admitted he had put in a Jaguar part by mistake. (Bill Williams)

Secret Agent Woman: You would think that Linda Tripp just couldn't keep any secrets. Well, here's a list she says she definitely CAN keep: 1. Pamela Anderson's AREN'T really real. 2. Grant is buried in Grant's Tomb. 3. The "Contract with America" didn't work. 4. Pro wrestling is fixed. 5. Tax forms will NEVER get easier 6. O.J. is NOT looking for the real killer. (Williams)

Oh, You Doll: Mattel announced it will buy Pleasant Co., the nation's second largest doll maker, and will make a Dennis Rodman doll. "They're just not sure if he'll be dressed like Ken or Barbie." (Earl Hochman)

Save the Sea: President Clinton announced the extension of a ban against offshore drilling in an effort to protect the ocean. "Clinton wrapped up the announcement on an important note, reminding everyone that, without the ocean, there would be no 'Baywatch.'" (Mark Efman)

The Pain Channel: "In light of the thousands watching a live birth on the Internet, anesthesiologists at a Northridge hospital have rescinded their cash-in-advance policy in favor of pay-per-view." (Werner S. Haas)

Daddy Dearest: "A woman gave birth on the Internet. They had a hookup and a commentator. And if that wasn't sensational enough- as the doctor handed the baby to the proud papa, Jerry Springer appeared and brought out the real father." (Bill Maher)

Slow Burn: "In Boulder City, Nev., the Gold Strike casino was destroyed by fire. Firefighters said they could have put the fire out sooner, but all the available water had already been used in the free drinks." (Jay Leno)

Disasters: Tornadoes, brush fires, flooding, and draught bombarded the US this month from coast to coast. "It's becoming a political issue. This week, Al Gore called for less violence on the Weather Channel." (Argus Hamilton)

Ripe Ones: "American Film Institute voters included actors, producers, directors and even Bill Clinton. Everyone voted for the movie that, for them, captured what life is all about. Clinton's choice was 'Attach of the Killer Tomatoes.'" (Hamilton)

Films the AFI Neglected: A list of movies that did not make it into the American Film Institutes Top 100, from Steve Voldseth: -Ru Paul's "The African American Queen" -Farrah Fawcett's "One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest." -"Close Encounters of the Oval Office Kind." -"The Treasure of Sierra Viagra." -"Doctor Zhivorkian" -"Madonna and the Seven Dwarfs" -"Marv Albert, Bonnie Clyde"