In The News...

Who, Me?: A Maryland grand jury will investigate whether Linda Tripp broke state law by recording Monica Lewinsky's conversations without her knowledge. Tripp is claiming she didn't know it was illegal. "Ignorance is bliss. It's not a defense." (The Daily Scoop)

International Performance: Disney's studio chief is defending the box office prowess of "Armageddon." He says it'll take in up to $185 million domestically and lots more overseas. "I guess Bruce Willis is a better actor in another language." (Daily Scoop)

Going Up?: Thousands turned out for a new age music concert given by pianist John Tesh in Palmdale, Calif. "How they managed to cram that many people into an elevator is still a mystery." (Bob Mills)

The Toad Tales: Researchers at Stanford University said they have developed a new and improved "virtual frog" so students can dissect it over the Internet without the gore associated with an actual lab. "It is still not clear whether students will be able to kiss the screen and create a virtual prince." (Robish)

The Suits Say: "Comedian Dave Chappelle walked away from his sitcom project for Fox after executives told him it was 'too black'. It'll be replaced by a new show called 'Two Guys, a Girl, and Jimmy the Greek.'" (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

"This just in...Peter Arnett has reported on CNN that the new Monopoly game token will be nerve gas." (Taylor)

Viva La France: "France celebrates a victory in the World Cup. Brazil's players are not really happy with the consolation prize. They're going to EuroDisneyland." (Ray)

Political Promotions: President Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich took the stage in Atlanta to kick off a $195 million anti- drug campaign. "Some messengers. About all they proved is that smoking pot in college makes you prematurely gray." (Argus Hamilton)

Valley of Giants: "A Philadelphia utility company will purchase the Three Mile Island nuclear plant under one condition- they get rid of the pesky 6-foot cockroaches." (Buzz Report)

Historic Battles: It was announced that 50-year-old George Foreman is going to fight 49-year-old Larry Holmes on Jan. 23. "This could be the first fight in history ever to be stopped due to prostate problems." (Jay Leno)

Roll Call: Dow Corning has reached a tentative agreement to pay out $3.2 billion to women who have suffered problems with breast implants. "Playboy's Hugh Hefner has agreed to provide 50% of the names of the victims." (David Christensen)

Nail Power: Do you know about this new nail polish that changes colors as your mood changes? The darker the color, the worse your mood is. "This is going to be a godsend for guys. No more asking the wife if something's wrong. You walk in the house, you see that black nail polish, get the heck outta there!" (Leno)

Big Beehives: Boxing promoter Don King was acquitted of insurance fraud. "He was, however, found guilty of using Viagra as a substitute for hair spray." (Wisot)

Marketing Magic: Viagra has a new slogan, "Let the Dance Begin." "You like it? I like it better than their first choice, 'Brace yourself, Grandma!'" (Leno)

Remember, People Kill People: "A Kentucky man faces murder charges after drinking all night with his friend and then trying to shoot a beer can off his head----he missed, the friend died....They were playing a new game called 'William Heston.'" (Bill Williams)