One Liners

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

Would the Standing Committee please sit down?

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Just fill out one simple form to win an IRS Audit!

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

Contents may have settled out of court.

If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?

Improve mail delivery... mail the postmen their pay!!

Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke.

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

I am the root of some evil... send some money.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.

Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.

Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor.

After four decimal places, nobody cares.

Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

War never decides who is right, only who is left.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.

Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Support the right to arm bears.

We do precision guesswork.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.

A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders ?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.