In The News...

Dr. Bucks: Meetings have begun on repairing the medical industry's prospective Year 2000 Glitch. "The industry could suffer serious consequences. Computer problems could lead to a loss of critical patient information, such as Visa/Mastercard expiration dates, checking account numbers, etc." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Vogue Playbunny: Model Cindy Crawford will be featured in a nude photo spread in the October issue of Playboy. "Even the people who write the articles won't be buying it for the articles." (Premiere Radio)

Park Lark: Michael Jackson has announced plans to spend $142 million to build an amusement park outside Tokyo. "The park will be modeled after Disneyland and Jackson's life, featuring places such as 'Rhinoplastyland,' 'Settlementland' and 'Miraculous-Conceptionland.'" (Sostrin)

Tough Crowd: Congressional Republicans are demanding that Janet Reno name yet another special prosecutor. "And all because Vice President Al Gore returned a video rental without rewinding it." (LaMonte Laments)

Outrageous Findings: In a study of college students, researchers concluded that those with high self-esteem become aggressive when insulted or criticized. "If that's true, how do you explain those morons who go on the 'Jerry Springer Show?'" (Andrew Wisot)

THE PROGRAMMING DIVISION IS FULL OF MONKEYS: ABC TV said it plans to invade the produce section of grocery stores across America and place advertising stickers on 15 million bananas..."Shouldn't their shows be advertised on lemons?" (Scott E. Patrick)