In The News...

Fore Play: "Actor Michael Douglas is being sued for $155 million by a caddy who claims Douglas hit a golf ball into his private parts. Even worse, Douglas asked him for a sand wedge to get it out." (Conan O'Brien)

Slimed: It's been reported that a third of all amphibians have disappeared in America. "Unfortunately, the rest are tied up with White House grand jury investigations." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Dan's Adventures: Dan Quayle called a three-week halt to his 2000 presidential campaigning in Iowa and New Hampshire. "It's vacation time. He thinks he might fly out to Las Vegas and see those two guys Sigmund and Freud." (Argus Hamilton)

Minimum Wages: Gov. Pete Wilson signed legislation prohibiting the employment of premature babies in California film and TV productions. "Now the only job opportunities left for premature babies are at Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshops." (David Christensen)

Hariot Hardships: Heidi Fleiss says running a call-girl business is tough work. She said it would be easier to run GM that to do what she was doing. "Actually, they're pretty much the same already, aren't they?" (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Trading Places: Criticizing the entire investigation by Kenneth Starr, Susan McDougal said, "I'm glad I'm not Monica Lewinsky." "To which President Clinton responded, 'That makes two of us!'" (Jerry Perisho)

The Naked Eye: Under certain conditions, when you use one of Sony's new infrared video cameras, you can see through people's clothes. "Boy, those family vacation videos may be a whole lot more interesting this year." (Paul Steinberg)

New and Improved: "60 Minutes II" will premiere in January. "This one's a lot hipper than the old show. It opens with a digital watch and closes with a commentary by Mickey Rooney." (Russ Myers)

Stiffed: Universal Studios announced that Michael Douglas will star with Meryl Streep in a film called "Still Life." "I guess they couldn't get their first choice- Al Gore." (Jerry Perisho)

Boob Tube: A new study shows that people in homes with Internet capability watch 15% less TV. "That's because they're spending 85% more timme on the Windows 98 technical help line." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

The Loneliest Job: Sony has offered to replace the "nude camera" for anyone who wants to turn it in. "To handle the influx, they have hired a dead guy." (Gary Easley)

Bags R Us: Citing fear of terrorists, British Airways has announced that it will refuse to allow author Salman Rushdie aboard its aircraft. "They will, however, continue to deliver his luggage to any city he doesn't want to go." (Bob Mills)