You Know You Work in Community Theater If ...

... your living room sofa spends more time on stage than you do. ... you have your own secret family recipe for stage blood. ... you've ever appeared on stage wearing your own clothes. ... you can find a prop in the prop room that hasn't seen the light of day in 10 years, but you don't know where your own vacuum cleaner is. ... you've ever appeared in or worked on any show written by Van Zandt and Milmore. ... you have a Frequent Shopper Card at The Salvation Army. ... you start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall. ... you've ever cleaned a tuxedo with a magic marker. ... you've ever appeared on stage in an outfit held together with hot glue. ...you name your son Samuel and tell him that his middle name is in honor of the French side of the family. ... you've ever appeared in a show where Tech Week is devoted to getting the running time under four and a half hours. ... you've ever appeared on stage in an English drawing room murder mystery where half the cast spoke with Southern accents. ... your children have ever begged you not to buy them any more Happy Meals. ... you think Neil Simon is a misunderstood genius. ... you've ever appeared in a show where the cast outnumbered the audience. ... you've ever gotten a part because you were the only one who showed up for auditions. ... the audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you taking out the trash before the show. ... you've ever menaced anyone with a gun held together with electrical tape. ... you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels. ... you've ever had to haul a sofa off stage between scenes wearing a dinner gown and high heels -- and you're a guy. ... you've ever played the father of someone your father's age. ... your kids know your lines better than you do. ... your kids DELIVER your lines better than you do. ... you get home from rehearsal and have to go back to the theater because you forgot your kids. ... you've ever appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first. ... you've ever had to play a drunk scene opposite someone who was REALLY drunk. ... you've ever heard a director say, "Try not to bump into the furniture" and mean it. ... you've ever appeared on stage with people you're related to. ... you've ever heard the head of the set construction crew say, "Just paint it black -- no one will ever see it." ... you've ever appeared in a show featuring a flushing toilet sound effect. ... the set designer has ever told you not to walk on the left half of the stage because the floor's still wet -- five minutes before curtain. ... you've ever been told that the reason your director has no eyebrows is because he handled special effects for the last show. ... you've ever said, "Don't worry -- we'll just hot glue it."