In The News...

A Real Ringer: Connecticut phone company employees have just announced they are on strike. Customers have been advised to expect delays when trying to reach the following departments: operators, direct-dial assistance and customer service. "In other words, business as usual." (Marco Del Chiaro)

A Warm Toast: Douglas Kennedy, the youngest son of Robert Kennedy, got married in Nantucket, Mass. "Ted Kennedy was there and toasted the newlyweds. He raised a tumbler, looked at the bride and offered, 'There once was a girl from Nantucket...'" (Chris Pina)

A Little To The Left: Russian President Boris Yeltsin reportedly has completely reorganized his Cabinet. "Under the new configuration, the vodka is slightly left of the gin and tequila, leaving easy access to the scotch without disturbing the bourbon, which has been exiled to the brandy section way in the back." (Bob Mills)

Looking Good: A study finds that young men find looks more important than substance. "Interestingly, the ratio of looks over substance goes down considerably when taken with Heineken or Bud." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Sick Spice: "Posh Spice has morning sickness. She's either pregnant or she's been listening to her own music." (Zack Taylor)

Pilots Peeved: "Northwest Airlines braces for a strike by its pilots. How do you spot a group of pickets in the Northwest terminal? They're in the only line that's moving." (Alan Ray)

Net News: "An estimated 70 million Americans now use the Internet. What do you call someone who's never experienced the full potential of cyberspace? An AOL subscriber." (Ray)

Low Gear: Alcohol-related traffic deaths are at their lowest percentage ever. "Why? Dangerous drivers can't hold a beer and a cell phone at the same time." (Premiere Radio)

Party Beginners: Albany College in New York has been named the nation's top party school. "It's only a start. They need 10 national titles before they can join Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Ohio State as an officially certified Betty Ford Preschool." (Argus Hamilton)

Girls PG: "Two of the four remaining Spice Girls are pregnant. All the members are perplexed. "That's almost half the group." (Ray)

Getting Wind of It: "Maybe it's me, but why do the news teams always send their skinniest reporters to cover high winds? I like Judy Woodruff, she turns into a kite! You need men of girth. Put Al Roker out there, Willard Scott!" (Jay Leno)

Food For Thought: According to Rolling Stone Magazine, the McDonald's logo is better known than the Christian cross. "Well, of course. How many times have you driven cross-country, saw McDonald's and went, 'Thank God. I'm starving?'" (Andrew Wisot)

Bombs R Us: Hasbro has introduced a new gismo called Sound Bites. It's a lollipop holder shaped like an electric toothbrush that sends vibrations through the teeth to the inner ear. "Sound Bites lets kids hear sounds and voices inside their heads that no one else can. It comes in 'Son of Sam,' 'Jeffrey Dahmer' and 'Unabomber' models." (Ira Lawson)