In The News ...

American History 101: DNA testing has proven what many historians have long thought: Thomas Jefferson fathered at least one child with Sally Hemmings, his slave. At the time, Jefferson had waggged his finger and said no to the question "Art thou bedding thy slave?" but later indicated "that depends on the meaning of the word 'art.'" (Jim Rosenberg)

American History 102: DNA experts announced they have proven once and for all that Thomas Jefferson fathered at least one child by his slave housekeeper. What is it about women being on their knees all day that American presidents find so attractive? (Steve Voldseth)

As Heard on Radio: Gary LaPierre, WBZ (Boston) radio's main anchor, did part of his daily editorial titled" LaPierre on the Loose" on the AMA's concern with pilots taking Viagra six hours before flying. His closing line went like this: "I don't understand why the AMA isn't more worried about the plane holding together or keeping smoke out of the cockpit instead of whether or not the pilot got lucky last night." (Walt Gilbride)

In Medical News: British doctors say that women who get a transplanted liver from a man are more likely to reject it than if it came from a woman. "Even if they don't reject it, doctors say, there's a 50-50 chance the next morning the male liver won't even be there." (Jay Leno)

I Believe: "John Glenn says it's 'impossible not to believe in God after seeing Earth from space' ... That's because it's the first time he's been able to see the relationship between the Earth and the size of Bill Gate's house." (Bill Williams)

Follow the Liter: The soft drink company Coke may break into the bottled water market. "The new product will reportedly become 'Dansani'- a word meaning 'if people are stupid enough to pay two bucks for a bottle of water, why shouldn't we cash in?'" (Premiere)

The Trump Tribune: Ivana Trump may soon publish her own magazine. The name and price are still to be worked out, but front-runners include '(Ex-Husband's) Money' and the price -- $2.50 an issue for the first three years, after that half of what the subscriber earns. (Gary Easley)

Cheese Steak: Philadelphia gets to host the 2000 GOP convention ... The GOP had only one demand: change "City of Brotherly Love" to "City of Brotherly Love, But Not That Kind of Love! Not That There's Anything Wrong With It, Though." (Williams)

Animal House: The Fox Network is airing a show called "When Good Pets Go Bad." "In fact, the next night they have another special called 'When Fox Executives Run Out of Ideas.'" (Jay Leno)