In The News...

Jackonomics: Michael Jackson is selling investors $100 million worth of bonds against his future earnings. "Of course, that's not without risk. You might remember that M.C. Hammer crash of '91." (Jay Leno)

Happy Birthday!: The MCCaughey septuplets celebrated their first birthday last week. "I think they're just spending a quiet day at home with the family," their grandmother said. "Seven babies and she thinks they had a quiet day at home? I think it's time to check Grandma's hearing." (Premiere Radio)

Speaking of Birthdays: Mickey Mouse turned 70 last week, "setting off memories for everyone. A few years ago, George W. Bush's daughter asked him for a Mickey Mouse outfit, so he bought her the Texas Rangers." (Argus Hamilton)

Washington Update: The elephant and the donkey have long served to represent the two major political parties. But "Editorial cartoonists will soon use updated symbols: a money bag for the Republicans and a dirt bag for the Democrats." (Laments)

Speaking of Politics: Ted Turner says he is going to run for the presidency in the year 2000 "so he can colorize the Republican party and animate Al Gore." (Alex Kaseberg)

Meanwhile, in Hollywood: Woody Allen examines the pitfalls of being a celebrity in his new movie. "Life is so unfair to him. It seems every time he elopes with a stepdaughter, the press paints him as some kind of monster or something." (Argus Hamilton)

Home Run: "Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss has been released from prison to a half-way house. The good news, if all goes well there, they say she could be back in her all-the-way house by Christmas."(Steve Voldseth)

Sticky Fingers: IRS employees allegedly stole $5.3 million in taxpayers' money over the last 2 1/2 years. "That's why people cheat on their taxes. They just want to cut out the middleman." (Alex Kaseberg)

Speaking of Soldiers: The Army is having trouble recruiting young people. "Hey, maybe if they let them wear their helmets backward...?" (Laments)

Bang for your Buck: Big Tobacco has reached a $200-billion settlement with all 50 states. "They'll raise the price of cigarettes to pay for the loss. Hey, if cigarettes get any more expensive, it will make crack cocaine cost-effective." (Argus Hamilton)

Speaking of Cost Effective: Airline companies say it will cost millions to comply with an FAA recommendation that they rid combustible insulation from their passenger jets. "Here's an idea! Put a luggage tag on it!" (Steve Voldseth)

Only in L.A.: According to a new study, the average motorist in Los Angeles wastes 76 hours a year in traffic. "And that's just in the driveway, deciding which car to take." (Voldseth)

Theme Parks: It's been reported that 62 people were stricken with salmonella poisoning after drinking unpasteurized orange juice at Disney World. "That's not news. We've seen that headline before. Everybody knows O.J. can kill you." (Jay Leno)

Clear Those Aisles!: Wal-Mart and Kmart are embroiled in a price war over Viagra. "Reaction is ecstatic. In fact some people are so excited over the low prices they no longer need the drug." (Argus Hamilton)

Tuned Out: In Hamburg, Germany, authorities discovered the body of a man, five years after he died, still sitting in front of the TV set. "Actually, this happens more often than you think. In fact, they have a medical name for these people. I believe they are called husbands.'" (Voldseth)