In The News ...

Science Schmience: Researchers say they have been able to slow down the speed of light. "Know how they do it? They take a beam of light and aim it at a post office." (Leno)

Thou Shalt Not: "Ted Turner has suggested that adultery be removed from the Ten Commandments. He wants to replace it with 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's duct tape'." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Charged: A Nebraska woman is being charged with negligence in civil court because she allegedly knew her teen-aged boy was having sex with his girlfriend. She didn't do anything about it, and the girl ended up getting pregnant. Imagine the precedent that will set if she's found guilty ... Ohmigod, Hillary could get the death penalty! (Steve Voldseth)

No Business Like: Dennis Rodman told ESPN he's weighing show business offers. "His options are limited. He's either going to work for Death Row Records as an artists' consultant or join the Spice Girls and change his name to Nutmeg." (Argus Hamilton)

Closing the Gap: Canadian scientists have refuted a National Cancer Institute geneticist's claim that there is such a thing a "gay" genes that are inherited from the mother. "They say gays get their genes the same place as straights: on discount at Mervyns." (Bill Williams)

Amazing Spray: Japanese scientists have invented spray-on Viagra. And apparently it's just like the cooking spray -- except here, Pam is not included. (Steve Voldseth)

No Bogarting: Plans have been announced to hold a Million Marijuana March on May 1st to protest out-dated marijuana laws. What it is, on May 1, a bunch of people will get together, smoke some pot and then make a million trips to the 7-11. (Voldseth)

Hold Your Fire: NATO forces knocked out Serbian TV. "That'll teach them. "You commit genocide? No TV, young man." (Bill Maher)

Big Bucks: Princess Diana's former lover James Hewitt is auctioning the newspaper rights to his memoirs of their affair for over 500,000 pounds ($807,500), a British newspaper reported Sunday. This makes Hewitt the highest paid prostitute since Heidi Fleiss. (Jim Rosenberg)

Time Capsule: A construction crew in Bend, Ore., uncovered a time capsule buried by city fathers 87 years ago. Inside was a parchment scroll decreeing: 1. Don't trust Californians. 2. Get rid of those pesky salmon. 3. Buy Microsoft. (Bill Williams)