In The News ...

Ooops!: The CIA headquarters in Langley, Va., were named after George Bush last week. "Dan Quayle was supposed to go over there and attend the ceremony at the CIA, but he got confused and went to IKEA." (Bill Maher)

It's All Becoming Clear: A new book claims Al Gore smoked a lot of pot in college. "Apparently you could tell when Gore was really high because he'd stand motionless, stare straight ahead and speak in a dull monotone." (Conan O'Brien)

On the Docket: The Supreme Court is considering how disability is defined. "The issues include questions like: Can people who need glasses be classified as disabled? Currently they're classified as umpires." (Daily Scoop)

Cross Promotion: Actress Sharon Stone has filed papers to keep a neighbor from building a house that would block her view. And I think the odds are in her favor. If there's anyone who's an expert on unrestricted views, it's Sharon Stone. (Steve Voldseth)

I Confess: "Sinead O'Connor has become a priest. At the end of the ceremony, she tore up a picture of herself." (Taylor)

Calista Canned: The "Today Show" has canceled an interview with Calista Flockhart. She was reluctant to do it because of the last experience on the show. Weatherman Al Roker mistook her for his map pointer. (Alan Ray)

Historical Theory: Two books claim Abraham Lincoln was gay. "Which, if true, would instantly make him a member of one of the world's smallest minority groups -- gay Republicans." (Steve Voldseth)

Demi-Like: Supermodel Cindy Crawford will appear on the cover of W magazine, pregnant and in the nude. Or as she's calling it, "Take My Daughter to Work Day." (Voldseth)

California Clinton: President Clinton toured Southern California. He is challenging Hollywood to clean up its act. Less violence and more "Baywatch." (Alan Ray)

Top Pay: A bill in Congress would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year. Dan Quayle is against such a raise as exorbitant. Over a four-year term, that's almost a million dollars. (Ray)

Ready, Aim, Fire: President Clinton broke a golf club during a recent game. "Witnesses say the ball was hit so far off course, they thought it was launched by NATO." (Conan O'Brien)

Rand McNally NOT: "According to CIA maps, the Clinton administration is worried about the Ottoman Empire expanding into the Holy Roman Empire." (Frank Nichols)

Banned In Disneyland: "In an effort to keep violent images out of the arcades in its theme parks, Disney will be banning all fighting games, shooting games, and transcripts from the Katzenberg/Eisner trial." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Say Good Night: After 60 years in broadcasting, Hugh Downs announced he's leaving "20/20." "He's at that awkward age: too old for '20/20' and too young to be on '60 Minutes.'" (Conan O'Brien)

High Point: A new museum in Washington, D.C., is devoted to drugs. "In fact, right now there's an amazing Robert Downey Jr. exhibit showing in the Keith Richards wing." (Alex Kaseberg)