In The News ...

Stands to Reason: President Clinton attended a welfare-to-work conference in Chicago. "It's so important. You can't expect a man who's lived on a government check all his life to enter the private sector without a little training." (Argus Hamilton)

Get a Clue: The FBI today unveiled a new $640 million dollar fingerprint system they say will reduce the time it takes to identify a suspect from months to hours. And today, the Boulder, Colo., Police Department said, "Months? The FBI can identify suspects in months?" (Steve Voldseth)

Hit the Road: Scientists say the ground beneath Los Angeles is moving one inch toward Pasadena every five years. "Which makes it faster than the San Gabriel Freeway." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Celebrex, a new pill that offers arthritis pain relief with less stomach irritation, has surpassed Viagra to become the fastest-selling new drug ever. Look, people, make up your mind: do you want to be stiff or not?!?! (Jim Rosenberg)

PBS is breaking into the competitive Saturday morning children's television market with a $40 million project to develop six animated programs for preschoolers. The shows are slated to be much more hip than the stodgy old Sesame Street. "Somebody killed Ernie!" (Rosenberg)

Business Beat: Warner Bros. and General Motors are teaming up. "Like we don't have enough Looney Tunes on the road already." (Gary Greenfield)

Beyond the Big Screen: A judge in Los Angeles sentenced Robert Downey Jr. to prison for violating his probation. "This is part of California's tough new '57 strikes and you're out' law." (Jay Leno)

Just Say No To Barney: "The American Academy of Pediatrics says children under 2 should not watch television. Nor should they be allowed to submit treatments for new sitcoms on the WB." (Zack Taylor - Westwood One Radio Network)

Snow Blower: "Mount Baker has set a record for the most snow accumulated in one season. It broke the old mark held by Darryl Strawberry." (Taylor)

Love on the Rocks: Romance novelist Danielle Steele has separated from her fifth husband. "As she took her final few steps down the shaded walk of their palatial country estate, she felt the relentless pounding of a battered and aching heart scarred with memories of unbridled passion -- memories that now must last a lifetime. She slipped into the Jaguar. It was a new day." (Bob Mills)

R.I.P.: In Austria, a 59-year-old woman lived two years with her dead mother wrapped up in a carpet because she could not face parting with her. This is what's known in the carpet business as a "remnant." (Rosenberg)

Kato Suit: Kato Kaelin is suing the National Examiner for libel. A story linking him to Nicole Simpson's murder has caused him emotional distress. He now has trouble sleeping during the day. (Alan Ray)