In The News ...

Say What?: British papers have quoted Madonna as saying that even stupid people in Britain are smarter than Americans. This from the woman who appeared in 'Shanghai Surprise,' 'Dick Tracy,' 'Who's That's Girl?' and 'Body of Evidence.' (Alex Kasberg)

Readin, Riting & Civics: The National Association of Educational Progress says that over one-third of the nation's students do not have a basic knowledge of civics ... I don't believe that. Because most students know that without civics, they'd all be driving old VW bugs. (Bill Williams)

Lights, Camera, Action: Woody Allen says he wants to be cast by other directors and just plain act -- so let's see what we can do. He likes young kids and is funny looking -- How about the lead in "The Michael Jackson Story?" (Williams)

Not So Friendly Skies: Northwest Airlines said Monday it fired a pilot who delayed a flight for over an hour because he didn't like the meal he was served on the plane and took a cab to get food. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has illuminated the 'I'm Hungry' sign -- feel free to move about the cabin while I get me some grub." (Jim Rosenberg)

AMA Meet: The American Medical Association is meeting this week in San Diego. Doctors can't get over the overpriced meals, inflated room rates, and charges on all services. It's just like they never left work. (Alan Ray)

"According to a new study, America now has an increase in homeless people. So apparently the cast of 'Diff'rent Strokes' is bigger than I thought." (Rudolph J. Cecera)

ATMS Awarded: The Connecticut Supreme Court has rejected bans on ATM charges. Most automated teller machines have the same screen display for such a transaction: "Stick 'em up." (Ray)

Refs Wire: NBA refs will begin wearing microphones. How will they filter out the profanity around them? They know not to stand between Latrell Sprewell and the fans. (Ray)

Class Clowns: In Omaha, a bank robber was identified by a teller he went to high school with. "Yeah, I bet those two guys are really going to hit it off at the next high school reunion."

Crazy Prediction: "As the baby boomer generation grows older and life expectancy increases, there are going to be more Americans with mental disorders. Which should help Pat Buchanan finally get elected president." (Gary Greenfield)

Now That's Service: Yahoo! and Kmart Corp. are teaming up in a venture that will include a co-branded Internet access service. Engineers are working on a busy signal which also give you all kinds of bad attitude as if it's your fault. (Rosenberg)

Kiss & Tell: In Rotterdam, Netherlands, a couple locked lips for 34 hours, 11 minutes and 37 seconds in a weekend attempt to make the Guinness Book of Records. The record is still held by CNN's Larry King, who has been kissing behind for over 10 years. (Rosenberg)

Zone Variance: A zoning appeals board in Chappaqua, N.Y., yesterday gave approval for an 8-foot fence around the house recently purchased by Bill and Hillary Clinton. City officials approved the fence after receiving assurances from the Secret Service that President Clinton would be unable to climb over it. (Steve Voldseth)