In The News...

Newt Prof: Newt Gingrich wants to teach in college again. How do you spot a cheater in his classroom? He's the one doing the lecturing. (Alan Ray)

Fire Trap: A report says the U.S. Capitol building is a fire trap. Lawmakers have an evacuation plan in case the alarm goes off. Mistresses and children first. (Ray)

Bombs Away: The Air Force accidentally dropped a bomb on the fairway of an Arizona golf course. But quick to put a positive spin on it, they said: "Well, at least it wasn't the Chinese Embassy." (Bill Williams)

Olympics Cost: The U.S. will spend $1.4 billion on the 2002 Winter Games in Utah. Most of it is in upfront costs. Olympic officials aren't cheap. (Ray)

Tabloid Tempers: Tabloid rag The Globe has apologized for reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger's heart is bad. The magazine regrets the inaccuracy. They should have substituted the word "heart" with the word "acting." (Ray)

Tipsy-Turvy: "A new study shows teenage girls who drink are more sexually active. This is not a new study. They did this in my day. It was called 'the Prom.'" (Jay Leno)

Reform Regroup: The Reform Party is moving its headquarters from Texas to Florida. The movement's presidential candidate will have to keep the group's number one pledge: A chicken for every crackpot. (Ray)

From the Department of Bright Ideas: In Wisconsin, a dairy company is coming out with an alcoholic ice cream. "It comes in 12 exciting flavors, including depression and violent impulses." (Conan O'Brien)

Happy Trails To You: The last words of a killer executed in Texas were: "I'd like to say in closing: How about those Cowboys?" Isn't it obvious? -- Dead Man Joking. (Williams)

Who's Who: "Woody Allen and Soon-Yi celebrated their second anniversary. Woody doesn't face the same challenges as you and me. For instance, when shopping for an anniversary card, he has to choose between the 'special daughter' or 'beloved wife' category." (Kenny Noble Cortes)

KMART Connection: The AFL-CIO is protesting the KMart Corporation's building of a store with non-union workers. How do you spot a group of picketers at a KMart? It's the only line that's moving. (Ray)

Busy Signal: The MCI Sprint deal creates a combined company called WorldCom. "Because 'Big Evil Eavesdroppers' would be way too obvious." (Stewart)

Newty News: Newly released National Archive tapes of White House conversations show President Nixon was a real mean guy. In fact, he was so mean -- he's now only one step below Newt "Divorce Her if She's Got Cancer" Gingrich. (Williams)

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan." (John Wing)