In The News ...

Whining and Dining: "They have at concierge at [Boston's Logan] airport now, just like they do at fancy hotels. Well, thank God for that! I can't tell you how many times I have been stuck at the airport wondering what kind of wine to have with my Cinnabon."

Grammer Lesson: "Kelsy Grammer is going to do a series of public service announcements on IBS, which is irritable bowel syndrome. Upon hearing about it, Bob Dole said that certain things you shouldn't talk about." (O'Brien)

Ono Afraid: Yoko Ono has told British reporters she lives in fear. The wife of the late John Lennon is scared a fan obsessed with her talents will harm her. However, psychologists say no one is that crazy. (Ray)

On The Side: Denmark has fired the first female guard hired to protect their royal family because of charges she is a prostitute on her days off (it's legal there). The palace authorities first became suspicious when she was spotted in Hugh Grant's BMW. (Bill Williams)

Michael Jackson's former manager is writing a tell-all book. . . . I believe it's called "Everything Michael Needed to Know About Sex, He Learned From a Kindergartner." . . . I believe the working title is "I'm Okay, You're Okay, Jacko's Wacko." (Steve Voldseth)

Have It Your Way: Burger King and the Backstreet Boys have signed an exclusive promotion deal. As part of the deal, the Whopper will now be served on milquetoast buns. (Jim Rosenberg)

Sucking Noise: Doctors say the death rate from liposuction is 20 to 60 Times greater than other operations. The only current example of sucking causing greater loss is this year's Chicago Bulls team. (Rosenberg)

Hear, Hear: George W. Bush said at a press conference in Iowa that he thinks there is a better answer than Roe vs. Wade. Course at the time, he was thinking of what's the best way to cross the Manassis river. (Bill Williams)

Disneyland Prices: Disneyland has upped admission prices again. You can tell the attitude has changed at the park. The eighth dwarf is now Greedy. (Alan Ray)

Big Boy: Authorities have discovered that a boy who enrolled in a Washington, D.C. area private high school claiming to be a 15-year-old sophomore is actually a 27-year-old man. Police are charging him with 17 counts of impersonating the original cast of "Beverly Hills 90210." (Voldseth)

Monkey Business: Oregon scientists have cloned a rhesus monkey. He appears to be like all high-functioning primates in every respect, except that he has a 100 m.p.h. fastball and a distaste for foreigners. (Rosenberg)