In The News ...

Going Down: An Empire State Building elevator with two people aboard plunged 40 stories before a safety system finally stopped the car on the fourth floor. "The passengers were not upset - they are stockbrokers and just considered the episode 'a healthy correction'" (Alex Kaseberg)

Blind Pitch: "A pair of social psychologists report that truly incompetent people may never know the depths of their own incompetence. Why else do you think the L.A. Dodgers announce every spring they're going to win the World Series. (Perisho)

If so, Then This: Louisiana State University's dean of students was stabbed in his driveway by a philosophy major who was recently accused of altering his own grades, police said. The Dean is safe, but this does not diminish the fact that this may be the first actual impact that a philosophy major has ever had on the real world. (Rosenberg)

Poetry In Motion: "Due to a problem that they were having with Air Force Two, Al Gore had to take a U.S. Airways shuttle back to Washington...Reportedly Gore spent the entire flight in the full upright and locked position. (Conan O'Brien)

XFL Start: Vince McMahon on Thursday confirmed plans for a cost-controlled "smash-mouth" spring World Wrestling Federation football league. Careful, dude! When NFL players get mad, someone ends up a corpse. (http://www.mrmonologue.com)

The 'X' is for Excessive: "Did you hear about the TV game show starring XFL founder Vince McMahon and Regis Philbin? It's called 'Who Wants To Lose a Couple Hundred Million Dollars?'" (Andrew Moran)

More 'X': "Are there enough criminals to support two leagues?" (Jay Leno)

Marriage Penalty: I got excited when I heard the House voted to eliminate the marriage penalty...until I found out it had something to do with taxes. (Ed Gullo)

In a new series: Dennis Rodman will play a genius with a bullet lodged in his head - A lot of people are getting a TV series now - Charlton Heston just signed to play a bullet with some brain lodged on its head. (Bill Williams)

A Pinch Will Do You: If you're ever in Hutchinson, Kansas, ladies and gentlemen, make sure to visit their official Museum of Salt. They've got iodized, they've got granulated, they've got rock salt, and in the special Salt Hall of Fame, they've got genuine sweat salt from Kathie Lee's sweatshop. (Bill Williams)

NFL Actions: The NFL is holding minicamps throughout the league. Most players don't wear the same numbers they'll have in the fall. The warden usually assigns those after they arrive. (Ray)