In The News ...

Survey Says: A report says 30% of people who wear eyeglasses don't have the correct prescription lenses. Hey--speaking from personal experience--take my advice: Before you spend a bundle on expensive glasses--try dusting your TV screen. TOMS LAKE HUMOR COMPANY / http://www.tomslake.com

Bad Faith; An Arizona man was arrested yesterday after allegedly spending 20 hours with several hookers in a Nevada brothel, and then paying the $1100 dollar tab with a bad check. I believe the formal charge is impersonating Charlie Sheen. (Steve Voldseth)

Hello Larry: Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips will play in the new XFL. He can certainly live with the terms of his contract. His bail money is reported to be seven figures. (Ray)

Grizzly Tail: Yellowstone rangers say a record number of cubs have been born to grizzlies this year. A male grizzly assumes much the same parental role as a human father. Often times he's asleep in the den. (Alan Ray)

Going, Going: Producers of "Xena: Warrior Princess" announced, today, that, after six seasons, this will be the show's last. That's it. It's over. In a related story, shortly after the announcement, Janet Reno was found wandering dazed and confused near a farmhouse in Fresno. (Voldseth)

Low Ratings: Saturday night's Miss America pageant, hosted by Donny and Marie Osmond, was seen by 12.4 million people, the lowest number ever. Just to put that in perspective--Donny and Marie have hosted larger Thanksgiving dinners. (Voldseth)

Low Rate: The FBI says the US murder rate is at a 33 year low. Experts say what happened was: OJ Simpson made the whole business of murder so embarrassing--nobody wants to get involved with something like that. TOMS LAKE HUMOR COMPANY http://www.tomslake.com

Sad News: Leslie Kish, creator of the mathematical standards used in today's opinion polls, has passed away. Mr. Kish died at the age of ninety-- plus or minus four years. (Steve Voldseth)

Anniversary: It was thirty years ago this week that Michelle Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas married actor Dennis Hopper and then divorced him eight days later. The reason? Irreconcilable hallucinations. (Voldseth)

Stick-Up: An 80-year-old Florida man who gets around using a walker, is on trial for robbing a bank. The good news-- his lawyer says he could get the electric wheelchair! (Voldseth)

Pope John Paul will create a patron saint for elected officials. He will proclaim St Thomas More the patron saint of politicians everywhere. That's it, that's all I needed to hear! Who wants to help me with my campaign to proclaim a patron saint for disc jockeys? Saint Wolfman Jack. TOMS LAKE HUMOR COMPANY http://www.tomslake.com