In The News ...

YOU NAME THE PUNCHLINE: OK, OK, So Bryant Gumbel, Jesse Jackson, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bob Livingston, Gary Hart, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart all walk into a bar. A woman walks up to them and says: (You make the punch line) (Robert Dicks)

Jackson Live: Jesse Jackson is back at work. Aides are trying to put a positive spin on his career. For example, he personally contributed to last year's million mom march. (Ray)

Whoop It Up: This week on the gameshow Hollywood Squares it's 'Siblings Week' with famous brothers and sisters appearing as contestants. They were hoping to do a special retrospective --'Girlfriends of Bill Clinton Week' -- but they only have nine squares. (Toms Lake Humor Company - http://www.tomslake.com)

Clean & Sober: I don't think we have to worry about President W. abusing drugs anymore. Last weekend he tried to snort a line using a Sakajawea dollar. (Williams)

Due to a Series of Budget Cutbacks: police departments in New Zealand have been forced to ration toilet paper. It's all part of a new get-tough policy: "Three wipes and you're out." (Steve Voldseth)

A woman in Leeds, England took her 6-month-old sick puppy into the vet to be x-rayed and found out the dog had swallowed an 18-inch bread knife. The vet says it's a miracle that an animal could just swallow an 18-inch knife like that and then walk around like nothing happened. And today, O. J. said, "Pfftt! Tell me about it!" (Voldseth)

Drunk Stats: A study says there are 14 million alcoholics in the U.S. Most know where a life of hard drinking will lead you. Sixteen hundred Pennsylvania Avenue. (Ray)

Life and Death: "There's good news for smokers--at last. . . . Teams of scientists in Spain have research that indicates drinking a lot of coffee can help protect smokers from getting certain kinds of bladder cancer. . . . That gives them a better chance of living longer--so they can get lung cancer." (Ira Lawson)

Happy Birthday: to "Deep Throat" actress, Linda Lovelace. Linda is 52. --Asked how it feels to be 52, Linda said "It sucks!" (Steve Voldseth)

Tying Record In Works: Oklahoma has eight death row executions scheduled for the next 30 days - tying a Texas record set under Governor George W. Bush....I don't want to tell any secrets, but it looks like a certain Oklahoma governor is planning to run for president in four years. (Bill Williams/ acmehumor@aol.com)