LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
Your boss dumps a load of flaming charcoal on your desk and says, "Put that out."
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
Harry Potter and The Gant Chart From Hell
Are you, like me, finding many Product Managers lacking? People who use stupid terms like, "We're picking the low laying fruit"? I find these people to be proof that Darwin was WRONG! You know, Mrs. Fek'Lar and I have almost 20 fruit trees on our land. We rarly pick the low-laying fruit. Do you know why? Because if you leave it on the tree as long as possible, you have something nice to look at. You pick the fruit that's hard to see.
We're got quite a specimen here at WTHAIS. This one, whom I will refer to as "crap-for-brains", has done her part for lowing the average IQ of the other amoebas. Here's a woman in charge of a rather technical product whose eyes glaze over when you mention any of the technologies involved in her product. She really just knows how to run a Gant chart and say things like, "This is the latest and greatest version of the product." Both of which are technically true. It's that last thing built. So it is the latest. And it's bloated more than any other build, so it's the greatest. But then she says asinine things like, "It's time to ship" which is really stupid when the product is buggier than a bait store. What she really needs to say is, "I'd like my bonus now."
I have devised the perfect way to to deal with this refugee from "Hooked on Phonics", I'm campaigning to get her promoted as high as possible. The seeds of this plan go back almost 10 years to my days at Green Lizard. One of the founders fancied himself a coder. The other coders knew they had to keep him away from source at all costs. The solution was to make this guy the poster boy for the company. He even ended up on a magazine cover not wearing shoes. This method helped reduce the amount of crap in the product.
What separates us from the rest of the animals is our ability to learn, and open Diet Coke cans. The beauty of this plan is that, unlike committing murder, there is no investigation. I'm taking the example of Poster Boy to heart and started my campaign. I'm not going to stop until crap-for-brains is at least a Vice President. At that point, she'll be too far removed from anything involving products. She can run her little Gants on the delivery of her lunch. Perhaps she can eat some low-laying fruit.
I see J.K. Rowling has announced the title for the new Harry Potter book. The sixth book is about Harry's bout with puberty. It's called Harry Potter and His Magic Wand."
Actually, I'm being mean and vicious. But you've come to expect that from me. If you've read Rowling's web site, you'd know she's a nice, sincere person who cares about her young readers. How a person like that became stinking rich in this world, I'll never know.
I want Johnny Cochrane to show up at the last minute and start doing rhymes. "Never touched in Neverland!"
What's the hold up? Is Jacko's script going through re-write? Maybe they can get Carrie Fisher to do some punch up so Michael will be funnier. They better hurry, the November Sweeps have a way of sneaking up on you.
Star Trek - Enterprise is changing nights this fall. The new slot will be on Friday which is traditionally a warp core breach of a night. But it should help in this case. Wednesday was always a bad night for Trek because of the Dungeons and Dragons tournaments.
Saddam on Trial! Defense Requests Change of Venue to Redwood City!
"Too many people in Baghdad have heard about the case," says lawyer.
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"Be a man! Eat the Hawaiian Omelette!"
"Any drama today?"
"No, but we had comedy, as usual."
"The part of Lee Qwan will be played by a tall blonde Englishman."
"It's either wireless, or it's not doing anything."
I have to go pre-order the next Harry Potter book before they're sold out a year in advance.
(The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2004 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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