LowComDom Performances Presents
The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
You're seated beneath the Sword of Damocles only to find that it is dull, rusted, and due.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
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In This Issue...
It's Fatwa Time!
I wandered through the store as she made her deal, and ended up in the TVs. Now I don't know if you've shopped TVs lately, but most of them are very large, very wide, very flat, and very expensive. There's plasma, TLA, LCD, TLA, DLP, TLA, projection, TLA, and made up technology name here.
What struck me as funny, from a merchandising point of view, was that the TVs on the floor have nothing explaining what's so great about this model as opposed to that model. Now a million years ago, I worked in the merchandising department of an amusement park (unlike the zoo I work in now.) I was taught to make the different items stand out from each other. When customers are confused they get uncomfortable and buy nothing. Make the customer's decision easy to make.
CompUSA's strategy seems to be that the customer will walk in, spin around three times and whatever he's pointing at is what will be sold to him. And as for the lack of a compelling reason to buy a digital TV, I saw a low-res black and white movie being played on the high-res color TV. WTF? That's like selling a computer by showing someone a pocket calculator.
I'm not sold on digital TV yet, it's too expensive, and the programs are just as stupid. I have until Feb 17, 2009 before I have to go do a Congressionally mandated spin in the store. Until then, I'm sticking with my satellite dish/Sony CRT TV which plays good old NTSC.
Aretha Franklin, & Aaron Neville were asked to sing our national anthem. After hearing them, I wonder what we've changed it to. I've heard people butcher this song in the past, but before have I heard a person with talent kill do a slice and dice.
In case you're wondering I also groan when they play that horrible version where the woman adds a second verse. It's versions like this, and Super Bowl XL's where you get the impression that the performer thinks it's all about them. They're wrong.
It's about Defiance.
Let's remember where our national anthem came from. In August 1814, Francis Scott Key was aboard a British ship. He had just successfully negotiated the release of his friend Dr. William Beanes, but was detained until after the British attack on Baltimore during the war of 1812. You know, that's the one were Merry Ole England decided they wanted America back.
Fort McHenry defended Baltimore Harbor. Its Commander, Major Armistead, wanted the Brits to know this was American soil, so he commissioned the biggest flag he could. The huge flag was Armistead's way of giving the Brits the finger. (I'm all for giving people the finger whenever possible.) He wanted a flag big enough for a British war ship to see way the hell out there in international waters.
To take this song, which is about telling the Brits to go piss off, and mangle it to the point where drunken British sailors (in international waters) can't understand it is just stupid.
I believe Aretha & Aaron owe Major Armistead an apology. Armistead's flag, cannon ball holes and all, is on display in the Smithsonian. It's a beautiful flag that reminds us that America used to go to war for real reasons. Armistead and his men stood on the ramparts and defiantly said, "Fuck You!" to an invading force. The very least Aretha & Aaron could do is sing the song of Armistead's defiance so people could understand it.
You know, it would have been great to have heard The Stones play it. I probably would have understood Mick much better. But he's British, and that would have ripped a hole in the universe.
Hot off the presses, here's the list of people we need to ignore so they will stop staring at us from the Safeway check-out line. Unlike politicians, celebrities go away once you shun them. Let's all make the effort and avert our eyes when we step up to pay for the chips and dip.
Remember back in crap200508 I mentioned that ChoicePoint, you know, the bastards who sold your personal information to a bunch of crooks, got caught? Well, this just in, the FTC has leveed a fine against said bastards. Dividing the number of personal records sold by the fine tells us that according to the Federal Government (also not known for keeping your information private), your privacy is worth...
71 bucks and change! Damn, that's comforting!
Cheney Bags Limit!
Texas Fat Cats in Season!
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"We have very creative bugs."
"These poor people have had the worst luck with us."
"Think of it this way, somebody has to."
"Put your shrink on 'standby'."
"Don't take it wrong, some of my best friends are morons."
"Get in touch with your inner cruelty."
"You don't know how much I have to repress just to come to work."
I need to see what's on channel 8,647,981.
(They pay me to think. These are my thoughts. Do you think they are getting their money's worth?)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!
Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.
From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.
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