The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

you have a report due, and you're constipated. (You'll understand in a few minutes.)

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Free Crap you don't want, and DDRs.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spammity Spam! Wonderful Spam!

The title of the SPAM was, "Get a FREE PAGER!" Oh geez, not another one. Don't these idiots know I that always keep a dead battery in my pager so it won't disturb me when I'm doing important things like sleeping and watching the Cartoon Network? Why would I want a free pager? Where's the value add? If these people really want me to read their SPAM, they need to offer something I want like, "We'll STEAL Your Pager!" Then inside they could put instructions about where I should leave my pager so they can find it, etc.

This begs the question, "How Effective is SPAM?" Does anyone read SPAM? Does anyone take it seriously? Notice I don't ask the question about sending in the money. But if you read your SPAM, you'd notice that it appears to be written by some one who hasn't thought out the scheme logically. One can only assume that math keeps them in the black.

The average IQ is 100. This means that half of the people out there have IQ's below 100. We call these people managers and executives. So the SPAMMER sits at about an IQ of, say, 94. Are they banking on the people with IQ's below 94 to bite the hook? Otherwise, what's the point?

In broadcasting school people are taught that any program message should be targeted at an audience. What does the SPAM I'm receiving tell me? Somewhere out there is an audience who needs a pager but can't afford one, can't get a credit card to buy the pager with, but wants to start a home business where they do nothing except cash checks and answer their pages. How the hell did I get lumped in with this group of Bozos?

I think I'm in the wrong group. I should be in the group who gets the following SPAMS. "Free Diet Coke just by replying to this email! (Limit 20 cases per address.)" or "Never Pay Taxes Again!" or "Houses in Palo Alto for $1!"

I look at SPAM and see more proof that the world just doesn't understand me.

DDR's

I had one of those days where, literally, the highlight was getting a root canal. 5000 people with corn dogs ended up asking me, "Where's the mustard?" The day just sucked beyond belief.

My boss is on maternity leave. While she pumps out her unit, we have an "Acting Manager". "Acting Manager" truer words have never been spoken. I thought I'd have a fairly sane week with him in Europe visiting customers. No, nothing of the sort. I receive a request for a report that is really a veiled request for me to prove that I'm doing my job.

Pardon Fucking Me?

I have to prove I'm doing my job? I happen to have a job where, if I sit around with my thumbs up my ass, customer machines start turning themselves off. I'm the deadman switch on the locomotive. Hey "Acting Manager"! You'll know when I stop doing my job. On that day revenue will shrink smaller than your weennie while swimming in the Arctic Ocean during winter. Who is this guy?

A little digging later explains the problem. He used to be a manager at SGI! Now I don't like stereotypes but back at "Green Lizard Software" I ended up working for an ex-SGI manager. He turned out to be a waste of skin; a complete moron who wanted reports for everything not caring that the report kills productivity, and actually has no value. He tended to be more interested in metrics than real work. I told him this when I quit. He was shocked to hear it, and immediately had a report drawn up to explain how this wasn't true.

Personally, I think it was the managers who screwed SGI into the ground. Can any sane person figure out why SGI turned their backs on Unix, only to sell boxes running Winders? "Well, we can't compete with Sun, so we'll compete with Compaq, Dell, Radio Shack, HP, IBM, Cousin Wang in Taiwan, and every other WinTel OEM." It's at times like this, that you wonder if Charles Darwin's theory is an insult to the other primates.

The first rule of war is to know your enemy. I have an ex-SGI manager on my hands. He's going to want a bunch of worthless reports. He'll read my explanations of technical problems and ask me to spell it out. Okay, I play his little silly ass game and prove I do my job, then I follow up with data he will be able to understand.

Daily Defecation Report

Two good ones - CLEAN.

This Week's Floater to Sinker Ratio (FTR) 4:1.
This is a significant increase from last week!

After I started sending in the DDR's the "Acting Manager" stopped by.

"Uh, Fek, what's all this?"

"Why are you always asking me what these reports mean? Oh, yeah, you're not technical. What's it say here? DDR - Daily Defecation Report. It's the Poop Sheet. What don't you understand?"

"Why are you giving this to me?"

"Didn't you get the email? HR requires this of all employees. The others are sending this to you, right? It has something to do with the new Health Plan. Our HMO are a bunch of real bastards! That's why we aren't allowed to go eat candy at lunch time any more. You know I've been meaning to talk to you about this. I'm having a hard time staying awake past 2 in the afternoon. I need sugar and stimulants."

"What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

"I don't know, what do you managers do with any of the shit I give you? Aren't you passing this crap up to the VP so he can pass it up to the President or someone? You're doing your reports, right? You don't want to get fired do you? Okay look, you can run this through a spell checker and then act like it's your work. The VP has to get this everyday. It's a regular report."

He ran away at that point.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Jacko Wacko over Packo!

King of Pop Gets New Chimp.

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"You could fit in that car. You're Japanese sized."

"When I get married, I'm going all out. I'm going to hire midgets dressed to the nines!"

Mom: "So what would you being doing differently if you were home?"
Me: "I'd be driving down to the local convenience store at 2:00am to get peanut butter."

"I have to be BIC at 13:00 for a phone call."
"BIC?"
"Butt In Chair."

"I'm sorry, I didn't expect it to be this big."

"Where's Bigus?"

"James put the ILL in Illinois!"

"I tried to think for myself, but it didn't work."

Excuse Me

I have to go do some research for today's report.

Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

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