The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
your Easy Cheese® starts going bad.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
We learn why you need to keep your Ninja skills up to date.
Take a Letter
As you might remember from the last issue I was commemorating the defeat of the French at the hands of the Mexicans by publishing in Spanish. Maggie had this to say ...
i have to resubscibe to the crapolla so that i can get notices....however, i was disappointed with your fucking cinco de mayo one...i dont read mexican, and really that fucking rag of yours is one of the few connections to the sillycon valley i have left...please do not celebrate any more fucking "other contry" national holidays...stick to the american or if you feel like being inter-fucking-national pick the damn english, or their servents the scotch...
yours truely,
Maggie
Exit 8, New Jersey
To which my response was ...
Try reading the BOTTOM!
To which her response was ...
ok so i am impatient
sue me
Really, kids, by now you should know that you have to read the fine print. Even Miss Proof-Reader got derailed by this.
The other day I was watching CNN's program dot com. On Saturdays, this is what is usually on when I wake up. They were doing a story about women in the software industry, or actually, the lack of women in the software industry. One fifteen year veteran woman software engineer complained that it was like working in Never-never-land. The boys never seem to grow up. CNN then cut to a shot of men shooting each other with Nerf products. I thought, hmmm, I'm getting low on arrows and foam rubber balls. It also reminded me of my latest "boy not growing up prank" recently performed at WTHAI software.
There are very important rules for pranks. One must not steal from the target. Nor can one cause the target to not be able to work. I quickly sprung into action.
The suits had declared a contest. Upgrade a bit of client software and log into the server before noon to qualify for a prize. One of my co-workers who had won a See's chocolate bunny was Princess. Sure, she'll do for a target.
Step One: purchase an identical See's chocolate bunny.
Step Two: purchase more Easy Cheese.
Step Three: fill bunny from Step One with Easy Cheese from Step Two. The rude guy in our group carefully drilled two small holes in the base of the bunny. One hole for cheese injection, one hole as an air vent. While we were filling the bunny with cheese, the Brigadier walked by.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm declining to answer your question in order to provide you with plausible deniability," was my answer.
"Good idea!" he said and marched on.
Step Four: replace Princess's chocolate bunny with the Chocolate Cheesy Bunny. I approached her desk Ninja style and in a single Indiana Jones-like move, replaced her bunny with Chocolate Cheesy Bunny. The unadulterated rabbit was hidden in Princess's own file cabinet inside her cube, fulfilling the requirement that we not steal anything. Once again, with my superior Ninja skills, I left the cubical undetected. All that was left was to wait until Monday -- the day after Easter.
The can of Easy Cheese has printed on it "Perfect for portable snacking ... No need to refrigerate" giving one the impression that the cheese when decanted will have the half-life of a Twinkee. By Monday I was slightly concerned. Luckily, there was a phone number on the can for people with questions. I dialed 1-800-622-4726 and contacted Nabisco Technical Support. A very nice fella answered, and I asked him a "Theoretical Question".
"Okay, so if I spread Easy Cheese on a cracker and put it out at a party, how long will it last?" I asked.
"Hmmm. Never had that question before," Nabisco Tech Support answered. "It's not in our database. Let me go ask." He put down the phone for a few minutes. Of course I knew he was just sitting back and spreading Easy Cheese on his own cracker during this pause. Was I supposed to believe no one had ever asked how long the cheese was good on a cracker? "With all the preservatives in the cheese it should last for a good long time," he came back with. "At least four hours!"
Four hours? Chocolate Cheesy Bunny had been created four days ago! I had better make sure Princess is still alive. Killing a co-worker is also against the rules of pranks. Killing co-workers is covered under the Marketing Department "Euthanasia Plan".
I strolled over to Princess's cube. There was Poison Chocolate Cheesy Bunny unmoved. There was Princess wondering who she could get to do more work for her. Our eyes met.
"You didn't eat the bunny?"
"I don't eat chocolate," she said with conceit, and distain.
Can you imagine that? I go to all the trouble of almost poisoning her, and she won't even eat the bunny! Okay, she's off my "A" list of women I'm going to introduce to Fabio next time he's in town.
"Well, if you're not going to play the game ..." I opened her file cabinet drawer and removed her bunny. I then switched it back with Poison Chocolate Cheesy Bunny, and walked out. Princess sat there trying to figure out what happened.
Poison Chocolate Cheesy Bunny sat on my desk. The chocolate was getting very soft. I figured the Easy Cheese was dissolving the bunny from inside. Which of course made it Poison Chocolate Cheesy Bunny with Ebola! But alas, not all good things can last. Poison Chocolate Cheesy Bunny with Ebola collapsed into a pile of brown and orange goo. He was given a proper burial in my garbage can. The Brigadier attended in his dress uniform.
What has this got to do with the lack of women in the software industry? Is it that I almost killed a female co-worker? No! Very simply, the women interviewed by CNN where whining about the culture of software. It's just a bunch of guys acting like they're still in a fraternity. To this I say, how do you expect a culture to change if you aren't going to join? It's going to stay the same unless women join, beat us at a few Nerf Wars, and then say, "Okay, enough! Let's act civil, or I'll give you a wedgie you'll never forget!" Ladies, if you want to make a change, you have to sign up.
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
LIZ HAS CANCER!!!
If Your Name is Liz, Please Call Your Doctor!
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"It will take all our efforts to under-achieve on this one..."
"Sorry I'm late but I decided to wipe my ass this time"
"The interview candidate arrives at 1:00PM. Please have bathed by then."
"I tend to find that standing on their chest and saying, 'Please' works better than sending an email which they will ignore."
"You can call me SIR!"
"That's my second Pain in the Ass Guy today! Why is it when I get one of them on the phone, another hits my voicemail?"
"That's because you don't fill you voicemail with white noise to blow away your hard drive quota."
"These people are complaining because we haven't told them to pay us? Who are these Commies?"
"I saw that 20 years ago on 60 Minutes."
"So that was 20 years and 60 minutes ago?"
"I'm so boring, I fell asleep during my own lecture."
"I read somewhere that Richard Nixon was constipated during his last year in office. So what we were saying about him was true!"
"If you look at my desk, it will remind you of a PBS pledge break."
Excuse Me
I have to return some video tapes.
Fek'Lar
(Destroyer of Laptops - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2000 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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EOJ
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