The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

You go to a hockey game and they tell you what to do if the power goes out.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

A visit with Ole Possum Head and the Micro-weirdos try to sell us some new crap.

Technology and Football

As of this writing, I am fresh from watching the Super Bowl. I'm not a big sports fan, but the Super Bowl is a little more than a game. It was also a chance to visit Ole Possum Head and his family who live in "Way The Fuck Out There, California".

While discussing the latest Squirrel commercial, Ole Possum Head said, "Watch for the guy with the red gloves up to his elbows."

"What's is he looking of polyps on the side-line?"

"He's from the network. He tells the officials when to stop the game for a commercial."

Sure enough, I spotted this guy making an "X" symbol with his arms. We were headed for another commercial.

This really got me to wondering about this stop the game stuff. I would imagine this could really screw up a team's momentum. Here you are charging up the field, the defense has no idea what you are doing to them, and then the game stops for two minutes. This gives the defense a chance to stop and reflect. Isn't this a stupid way to wage a war?

It also struck me that network football had a lot of technology driving it. Everything from really great computer animation to a ring of cameras around the field that could be sampled to build an animated crane shot. They can even project the first down line onto the picture. There seems to be a large technology budget in football, so way can't the "break for commercial" problem be solved with technology? I think it can.

One of the really cool features of Tivo is that you can watch a program live and pause it, go to the bathroom, make a sandwich, call Martha Stewart to tell her that the doilies she sent for Christmas are very nice, but Taco Bell burritos seep right through them, and come back to the program right were you left off. You miss nothing. So why can't network football do the same?

The six-hour Pre-Game show would proceed as normal. As the game starts, the program is funneled through a Tivo-like digital video recorder. Up until the first commercial, everything is live. When it is time for the first break, the Tivo is paused and network master control runs the break. When they come back, the Tivo is un-paused. The game has been going on the entire time. The fans in the stadium haven't been bothered. We at home are seeing a two minute delay at this point.

As the game progresses, more breaks are taken and the delay increases. However, people at home are unaware that they aren't watching a live broadcast. The game would actually be over an hour or two in the stadium before it would be at home.

So why do this? It's very apparent that network TV is having a bigger and bigger impact on sports. Not only is it pumping money into the leagues, but it's also controlling the game and one can argue the game didn't need to be modified for TV. One doesn't stop the cars at the Indy 500 so Keith Jackson can sell us some motor oil and Diet Coke. Why should football be stopped?

I know what people are going to say, "But other media will be reporting the score before the broadcast is over!" So what? If you don't want the score, don't listen to the radio while watching the game on TV.

Attack of the Marketing People

You know I'm an old Redmond Company basher from way back. But these new commercials from The Redmond Company are fair game. A server room - with cob webs. Dialog that says you can basicly abandon your server and database and it will keep running.

Let's see a show of hands. How many people really believe The Redmond Company? How many of you have seen their product run for more than a year without help or the occasional re-boot?

You Marketing people from Redmond, put your hands down. I'm not buying your story.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

The Trilateral Commission Meets About California Power

Secret World Rulers say we can have power if Jacko will stop being "weird".

Rolling Black-Outs Helpful Tips

If you see your meter reader on the street, do not tell him to, kiss your ass!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Do you own a gun?"
"No."
"Well, that's something to shoot for."

"If my lithium runs out, I'm in trouble."

"The Horse's ass attitude is part of their corporate culture."

"I want the sucking device."

"You live in Hawaii, you went to Oklahoma. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

"You're getting a reputation for being his little bitch."
"I really want to be known as his big bitch."

"I just sent you a couple of billing issues that can only be described as pieces of shit."

"Why am I being invited to a Sales Update Meeting? Like I give a rat's ass about the sales fucking department!"

"These people make Trekkies look normal."

"If this was not so factual you would have hurt my feelings."

"Interestingly enough, I'm sitting here in a conference room, chewin on a bagel and watching some Microsuck reps doing a Whistler demo, and a quote just hit me...
'Come for the food, Stay for the comedy'"

"If Microsoft wanted to really kill Linux, they would port Visual Basic Script to Linux. The next virus that went out, (snap!) there ya go!"

"I'm not beautiful, I'm pretty."
"Yeah, in a prison sort of way."

"Why is this happening on the client computer? Why isn't this handled by the switch?"
"Because we have a unique technological solution."
"A piece of shit."
"Yes!"

Excuse Me

It's first and goal, and my server needs a backup.

Fek'Lar
(Inventor of Chocolate Cheesy Bunny - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2001 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.

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EOJ

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