The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

someone hands you a fake turd ball-point pen.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

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In This Issue...

Washing Up Before Rehab

Trade Shows

Summer is here, and that means trade show season has begun. Trade shows are how you get products onto shelves in stores. It's your chance to strut and to have some fun.

The location of a trade show is the key in how much fun you'll have. Fun locations include New York, Atlanta, Orlando, Las Vegas, Newport Beach, and anywhere in Hawaii. Not fun locations include the greater Fresno/Bakersfield area, the Dakotas and Exit 8 in New Jersey.

Assuming your show is in one of the more enjoyable locations, take advantage of the locale. Just remember that you are supposedly there to represent your company. That guy who you were trying to convince that your widget is better then someone else's widget, could be the same guy you will puke on after a long evening drinking. So what ever you do, don't pass out business cards while throwing up, at least not your own.

Vegas is my favorite place for a trade show. Although I must say I was impressed with Atlanta the last time I stayed there. All the men in the group went to a Braves game. The women decided they needed to watch TV en masse that night. The ball game was not interesting for the play on the field, but that every man decided he should buy beer for the entire group, and didn't think to tell anyone that he was going to do it. That meant each man had ten beers. In Tech Support, this is referred to as a "Quality Problem".

When heading for fine dining, remember the folks from the Sales Department have looser expense accounts than we technical people. Make sure they pick up the check. If traveling with several sales folks, have one buy the drinks and one buy the food. See if you can get them to compete for the title, "Champion Spender".

Staying Healthy

At a trade show people are going to "wing in" from all over Ebolaland just to meet you. It's important to follow a few guidelines to reduce the risk of becoming sick.

Always wash your hands before eating! You would think this would be a no brainer. But I've seen people time and again head straight from the booth to the Diet Coke stand/bar/rehab clinic without a trip to the wash room. If you've been pumping the flesh you need to realize that most people sneeze in their right hand. They also shake hands with their right hand. Therefore we can extrapolate (wait for it!) that people are literally handing you handfuls of Ebola. Give your hands a good scrubbing, you know like you do before surgery (you DO wash your hands before surgery, DON'T YOU?) and you'll greatly reduce your risk.
Do not drink anything in the booth. See above, in fact your right hand should never come anywhere close to any of your orifices while working a trade show booth.
If you're in Vegas take eye drops. That place will suck all the water (as well as your cash) out of you. Three days in Vegas during winter, and you're freeze-dried.

Sage Advice

Just remember, on the floor act like a pro. Off the floor, act like you don't know anyone.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Monkey-Boy Gets Diploma!

Stanford Dean of Law School says, "What the hell? He had the money!"

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"Just remember, prostitutes are also 'professionals'."

"If we ever have a war, I'm your supply guy."

"He's look like Howard Hughes on his death bed when I get done with him."

"Four or five Martinis at lunch, and I'll feel much better about this morning."

"I have complete faith that our management will do the wrong thing."

"Dude, this building is so retarded."

"Is that cocaine? Wow! Just like the movies!"

"It's just a minor irritation."
"I thought we laid her off."

"Why does our building sound like a 1950's science fiction movie?"
"Oh Shit! We're on Forbidden Planet!"

"That's the LAST Change Control Board meeting I go to sober!"

"I'm going to go shave."
"Nobody really cares about your legs. Why bother?"

"People not expressing an opinion will have one forced upon them."

"Don't you ever do anything?"
"Well, I'm walking ..."

Excuse Me

Here come the Shriners

Fek'Lar
(Inventor of Chocolate Cheesy Bunny - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2001 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.

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EOJ

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