The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar
You Know You're DOOMED When...
your Thanksgiving Turkey has a bug in it.
You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.
This Crapolla is sponsored by...
In This Issue...
What Price Windows, and Attack of the IT Chimps.
Take A Letter
Matt Taylor Writes ...
Fek',
So I was cruising through your last posting, and while I'm not a computer person per se (more of a manufacturing engineer), and I never do more with my computer than devise ways to get out of work and make graphs, I found your usual harangue on Micro$oft to be just another round of Bill-Bashing.
Wanting to be the voice of calm, soothing happiness, I was writing back to explain the ease of use and lack of trouble I've had with my experience with Windows......
That's when my computer crashed, spitting out a serious of error messages and bringing up not one but six different blue screens of death before I pulled the plug, frying a spreadsheet I was working on in the process.
So I have two questions,
1) What are the fuckin' odds of being so well timed a death?
2) How much money do you want to bring me back the head of Billy boy?
I figure work was getting slow in the Valley, so there's got to be quite a few headhunters with nothing much to do.
Matt Taylor
Matt,
Glad to see you've come to my conclusion. By the way, The Redmond Company is very proud that the Blue Screen of Death can be customized. In fact they see this as another reason why Windows is superior to say Linux which doesn't have a Blue Screen of Death. (Maybe Linux does, but no one has ever seen it due to lack of Kernel crashes.)
Sorry, since I'm still employed, I haven't yet taken up a life of murder. My sister was a Teamster, but I don't think she kept her dues up to date.
As for the timing of your crashes, one has to be impressed with the power of irony.
"As your attorney, I advise you to tell me what is going on."
My attorney rarely introduced herself in a more conventional way over the phone. A fan of Hunter S. Thompson, I think her license to practice law is really a source of comic escape.
"You want to know everything that's going on? I thought you told me never to tell you if I was innocent or guilty."
"Not that!" She snapped. "The name server is still blowing chunks. I have important surfing to do!"
October wasn't a good month. Our new server had tested fine, but now in production, was having a temper tantrum. It couldn't even figure out its own identity.
"Well I don't know what to tell you. The chimps in IT are beating on the machine with pipe wrenches. They say don't worry, the tools are Craftsman, Sears will replace anything that breaks." I said.
"Get the chimps off the racks and send me all your files. I'll fix this!"
It really is great to have a "Full Service" attorney. Most people don't give legal representation a thought until they end up in a mexican jail.
Once in the course of "normal" legal representation, my attorney forbade me to speak to waiters. "Hi my name in Darlene, and I'll be your server." was greeting with a cell phone being handed over. "Hi, you need to speak with my attorney." Funny how they always got the order right.
After leading the chimps away from the server room with a trail of Diet Coke cans, and a quick ftp session later, my phone rang again.
"Who wrote these configuration files? Never mind, I'm sending you new ones. Dump these on the server and re-boot."
The files she gave me actually worked! My phone rang again.
"Who came up with this server naming scheme? Don't you see the scaling problem you're going to have as soon as you run out of dirty words?"
She's right, you know. But I've always been good at making up new dirty words. However, that's a different story.
I see GM just recalled 86,314 new SUVs. How come they know exactly how many SUVs are prone to shifting out of Park by themselves, but the sales guy at the dealer never really knows what the price is until he goes to the sales office in the back?
This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.
New Jacko Album Inspired by Alien Abduction
King of Pop Still Having "Close Encounters"
Let's play, "Who said this?"
Heard in the halls of various software companies.
"We're just going to call you Anakin. You act all nice on the outside, but you're really evil on the inside."
"I'm eating because I hungry."
"I'm eating because I a fat pig."
"That's a lot of feature creep!"
"Yeah... so what? How long have you been in software?"
"Don't put toilet paper in the plain paper copier!"
"I wouldn't give her a glass of water if she were drowning."
"Get the air conditioning fixed, or I'm taking off my clothes!"
"We're only going to do the 'Smoke' test."
"Does that mean you're only going to test the stuff that you think will pass?"
"Er..."
"Well it looks to me like there are too many Indians in the pot. Well, whatever. And we need a manager to put the stakes in the ground and make a decision!"
Excuse Me
I have to go to Sears.
Fek'Lar
(Inventor of Chocolate Cheesy Bunny - Morale Officer - The Last Honest Geek)
Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2001 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.
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EOJ
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