The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

four out of five dentists are bidding for the work on your molars.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Getting Your Widget Wired

Take a Letter

Harold Peterson writes...

What do you do on days when a Diet Coke just isn't enough? I don't want to become a drug addict ("So what's caffeine?" you ask), but the administrators in the Nevada university system seem to think we really want to be in a classroom at 8 a.m. (The students don't want to be there, nor do the majority of professors. Talk about your all-around bad managerial decision!)

-Harold (now a Ph.D. student at DRI (www.dri.edu) in Reno, NV)
File Photo (He's much older now.)

p.s.: Speaking of Diet Coke, where was the Diet Coke link in the last Crapolla??

Hey Harold,

Glad you asked. There's really two ways to look at the question. Is it that Diet Coke isn't enough, or do you not have enough Diet Coke? Here in The Valley we deal with earthquakes, so we keep emergency kits handy. Here's a picture of mine.

This ton of Diet Coke is enough to keep one wired for two weeks. That gives FEMA plenty of time to restore supply lines. By the way, the four gallons of water are for Mrs. Fek'Lar.

But perhaps you're saying that Diet Coke isn't strong enough to keep your blurry eyes open after getting up at the same time as folks with jobs. If you will look carefully at the picture, you'll see 24 boxes of Diet Coke, and one box of orange Fanta.

Drinks like Fanta and Sunkist Orange have a ton of sugar, and fructose. This will wire you up for a good hour. Think of this as a boot strap food. Like the boot strap program, the boot strap food wakes the brain up just enough to get something else to really kick you into high gear.

Once you've had your boot strap (not to be confused with a strap-on) try chasing it with one of the following:

• Dear ole Dad told me a long time ago that when you're tired and have to keep going, get yourself a steak. Beef really hits the spot, and it's not just for breakfast anymore. Since you're living in Reno, home of the cheap-ass buffet, you should have ample access to inexpensive beef. Look for a place with two dollar steak and eggs.
• I've mentioned before that chocolate is the wonder food that works wonders. Now no less that two scientific studies have proven that dark chocolate is actually good for you. It is now legal to think of it as a health food.
• Of course coffee is the drink that perks you up and calms you down, but have you considered not taking it as a drink? Dear ole Dad had those days when he would walk into the kitchen, get out the can of java, and eat a heaping spoonful. Mom used to get contact highs by kissing him.
• Jolt Cola is blackened tar with enough sugar and caffeine to get Frankenstein's Monster off the slab. Jolt has become hard to find lately, if you can't find it in Reno, try a regular Coke with half a cup of sugar and six Nodoze pills. (Always consult your physician before starting this regiment. Side effects can include stroke from high blood pressure, diabetes, irritability, road rage, and calling cocaine users pansies.)

Avoid complex carbohydrate foods like breakfast cereals, oatmeal, and pizza. These carbs are harder to digest and will drag you down. Also avoid turkey which will just put you into a coma. If you're a vegetarian, you might as well go back to bed. There's nothing I can do for you. Vegetarian food has very low energy levels. This is why cows, panda bears, and buffalo do nothing but eat.

Do you need another reason to avoid vegetarianism? Consider that Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian; and we all know what Hitler was, nothing but a one-balled high level evil manager!

As for the lack of Diet Coke reference in crap200411, we've had some budget cuts here an LowComDom, and couldn't afford it last time. We're thinking of having a pledge drive. For just pennies a day, you can make it possible for us to reference the products of large multi-national corporations. Won't you help? (Don't make me get Sally Struthers on your ass!)

It's Still the Economy, Stupid

Last weekend, Mrs. Fek'Lar and I were listening to a radio program called Bob Brinker's Moneytalk whilst in the Fekmobile. Brinker called the stock market crash before it happened. Anyone who was listening to him that weekend had warning that the party was over and it was time to pull out. This is a guy to pay attention to.

I was very surprised this weekend at something Brinker said. A caller mentioned the balance of trade. For those of you who don't follow economics as a pass time, the balance of trade is the difference between what we export and import. The U.S. of A. imports far more than we sell over-seas, so we are becoming a poorer country everyday.

What Brinker said was that the balance of trade was going to not be favorable until Americans deal with their appetite for foreign-made goods. I went, "huh?" our appetite for foreign-made goods? You mean like all that stuff we used to make in this country until corporations started shipping the jobs over-seas where children make our sneakers for five bucks a day in factories which would violate several U.S. labor laws? That appetite?

How can our balance of trade get nothing but worse when outsourcing is a constant over a forty year period? I think Brinker's a genius but he's missed this.

Take steel as an example. We don't make steel in this country anymore, so all steel must be imported further exporting more wealth. We can't just stop using steel. (You try building a suspension bridge out of pasta and see where it gets you.)

The only way to curb our appetite for foreign-made goods is to start making them here again. Otherwise, I think you can equate a worsening balance of trade with every job exported.

How do we get the jobs back? First, we have to stop wanting everything for almost nothing. I mentioned in crap200402 that we asked for inexpensive goods and we always get what we ask for. The inexpensive goods are here, but they can't be made here and be sold at a profit if American's will only buy the product with the cheapest price. If we're going to get decent paying jobs back making goods for consumption in this country, we have to be willing to pay for them.

We also have to be willing to do without when an American-made product isn't available. If you go to Fry's and buy a foreign-made widget because there isn't an American-made widget, the message isn't sent. Ask for an American-made widget, and when there isn't one, tell the shopkeeper that you aren't buying one of his widgets until he gets one made in the USA. This sends the message which gets relayed to the manufacturer. If we create a new market the opportunity will not go un-noticed and the vacuum will be filled.

Do I have confidence that this will happen? Hell no! The holiday Egg Nog hasn't started flowing. I'm not drunk enough to believe that Santa is going to bring all good boys and girls a renewed sense of self-control for the greater good of the nation. No, we're going to keep buying and buying and buying until that credit card hurts. Then we'll buy some more, and we won't care where the widgets were made.

True power in this country is held by the common person. There are over 260 million of us. If you can get certain leadership persons in that group to push for American-made goods, the others will follow. (Just look at fashion where very few people decide what everyone is going to wear.) It's time to get the Fashion Police on the case.

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Osamma Bin Laden Caught Lip-Syncing in Latest Video!

The Milli Vanilli of Terrorism May be Disqualified From This Year's Gangsta Rap Grammy!
Arafat Keels-Over in Shock!
Michael Moore to Make Documentary and Blame It On Bush!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"You don't have to be a sadist to be a teacher... but it helps."

"Why are you walking like that?"
"I sprained my ankle kicking someone's ass."

"I'll be in the Black Sea giving those two Ebola."

"Please, God, don't let Lucas f--k this one up."

"To the un-trained eye, it wasn't obvious."
"You're eyes are un-trained? Didn't they go to school with the rest of you?"

Excuse Me

I'm out of chocolate.

Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn! This whole mess is copyright © 2004 by LowComDom Performances, all rights reserved. Wanna send this to your friends? Go ahead and pass out the URL.

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EOJ

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