The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

You're 45 and you realize that maybe you majored in the wrong field.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Just the facts about death.

Joins

The best part of work is learning something new.

It was Monday 9AM, I was working the early shift, my name's Fek'Lar, I drive a computer.

My Director called me into his office, he needed a new report generated.

"Fek, I need a new report generated."

"Uh huh. Just the facts. What does the report need?"

"It needs customer name, customer ID, customer asset number, customer asset, and who their account manager is."

"Uh huh. Anything else?"

"I need it soon."

9:45 AM - I cracked open a Diet Coke and connected to the WTHAIS database to find the information.

9:46 AM - I found the information, all over the database. Getting it into one coherent report was going to require something I had yet to master, an SQL join statement.

9:50 AM - I had the shell of my query made which gathered the customer assets. I checked in with the local Brit who knew about databases and was willing to share.

"I've got to do a join."

"Good for you! I like joins they make us look so well thought out."

"I need you to explain how to do one."

"Bullocks!"

10AM - The Brit showed me the first join. I thought I had it and went back to my desk to work on the rest of the problem.

Suddenly, I had a flash-back to the crappy SQL class I took at U.C. Extension. It was lecture only. I don't learn well that way. I need to get my hands dirty if I'm going to learn anything. The best classroom was the job. It's where I've done all my real learning about databases. The trouble is how do you get the job where you will do the learning, unless you've been to the classroom where you won't learn anything? The U.C. people have quite a racket going.

10:05 AM - Stumped again, I needed to add more joins, but didn't really have the logic in my head. Another trip to the Brit would cinch it.

"I need another kick in the head."

"Have you seen my teapot?"

"Not since I hid it yesterday. I need to add at least two more joins. Don't do the problem for me. Show me what I've got wrong."

The Brit explained it once again. I went back to my desk and finished the problem, including a join that required traversing two tables.

10:30 AM - I sent the report off to the Director.

Like most stuff in computing, it's very easy once you learn how, getting there is the hard part. I've been slowly learning SQL databases over the past 4 years, but I learn what I need at the moment. It's only when I am asked for something I've never done before that I learn something new.

Epilogue

My Director patted me on the head and told me I was a good geek.

The story you've just read is true. Only the schema where changed to protect the DBA.

Death

Long before the Terri Schiavo case hit the public eye, I started to think about what I wanted done when I die. I see death as one's last hurrah! One more time to shake people's fish bowls.

I considered having lights and a camera set up in my coffin. The picture would be broadcast via some un-licensed technology like 802.whatever. Passers-by would be able to monitor my decay. I nixed this idea because this would be a little cruel to my lovely wife Mrs. Fek'Lar. Believe it or not, the reason I'm not cruel to her isn't because I have to sleep sometime. Besides, I expect her to cremate me can carry my ashes with her forever. Worm-Cam was out.

Then I started thinking about the services which might occur after I die. You can have a memorial if the body is missing or a funeral if you can locate the deceased. These services look like they are for the dead, but they're really for those left behind. The trouble is they are depressing, and involve bribing priests to lie. I honestly don't want a gathering of people to show up in a church I've never been in, listening to some guy in black I never knew, who will say things I probably don't believe in, to "comfort" people who really knew me. Later, they would go to someone's house to eat pot-luck. Probably a bunch of food I don't like.

I'm looking for a way to comfort the people I leave behind, while staying true to my beliefs and customs; which include having a good time, and a good laugh whenever possible. I've decided that I want a wake. This is a party which celebrates the deceased life. You may or may not have clergy in attendance. I have a friend who is a mail-order minister. He'll be invited, but because he's a friend.

I will provide all of the music which will be humorous and slightly rude or irreverent, and a DVD will be played mid-way through the festivities where I will address the crowd in a "live" video feed from hell.

I am providing these instructions to my Best Man, Trouble. When I picked him for Best Man of my wedding it was because of his great friendship, but also because I could count on him for a great bachelor party. I think I can count on him for a swinging wake as well.

I've not asked my lovely wife to do this because I think she'll be a little too distraught to organize it, and she's really not a party person. She won't know why a great party starts at 10 AM with three kegs of beer and ends at 2 AM when the police arrive. I won't put her through that. Maybe she'll go and hear some outrageous stories of the crap I've pulled on people.

Tickets available at TicketMaster.

Oh, and if you're reading this and I'm in the hospital and have not been able to tell a joke in three years, I'm not coming back. Pull the plug and move on with your life. Those are my wishes too.

Heard at Wendy's

It's Finger-Lickin' Good!

I'll have mine cannibal style!

Put that down! You don't know where that finger's been!

Finger con Carne

Nailed It!

Whose Finger is it?
Dunno, look for some guy screaming who can only count to nine.

I think I'll go to KFC today.
Try the Chicken Fingers!

That was good. Where's the rest of the guy?

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Star Wars Shocker!!

Entire Saga a Parody of British Royal Family!

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"We are the coalition of the fucked."

"How come no one ever makes Rice Krispies Treats® with Wheaties®? Snack of Champions!"

"I don't want an open-casket funeral. They'll put make up on me, and I'll look like a hooker."

"Can we tell Pope jokes yet?"
"Sure, go ahead. We'll write to you in hell."

"I forget I'm Chinese until people look at me weird."

Excuse Me

It's lunch time!

Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.

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EOJ

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