The Crapolla According to Fek'Lar

You Know You're DOOMED When...

Replacement req's for people who leave your group are only for contractors, and your CEO gets a 100,000 dollar raise.

You've stumbled onto another issue of The Crapolla, a journal written for software professionals. No not the managers; I mean the people who do the work.

This Crapolla is sponsored by...

In This Issue...

Enhancing Your Gun

Take A Letter

Dear Fek'Lar,

I keep seeing ads on TV for stuff that gives you "Natural Male Enhancement". What is "Natural Male Enhancement"?

Very Truly Yours,

Newbie in Cube 863

Glad you asked, Newbie. "Natural Male Enhancement" means that after you take the pills you'll be a bigger dick than you were before.

WTF?

I see Hilary is getting ready to run for something. I can tell because she opened her mouth and silly words came out. She's not the only one to spew silliness.

Recently, an Easter Egg was discovered in the game Grand Theft Auto which unlocks special porn scenes. The activation code was placed on the internet. Immediately, Hilary and a whole bunch of knee jerkers opened their mouths to release the building silliness pressure. Hilary says we need a big investigation to find out how this stuff happens. Others have called for regulation of the video game industry. WTF?

Let me explain how this happened. I'll do this as a public service to save the tax payers 90 million bucks, and I won't even ask for a 1 percent "courtesy fee". Some guy wrote a scene, and some other guy decided it was over-the-top and cut it from the game. (How you can be over-the-top in Grand Theft Auto is a little perplexing, but someone said that.) The first guy left the code in the game, but added a lock you would have to go through to access the scene. He then put the key to the lock in his back pocket until after the game has sold a zillion copies. Then he put the key on the internet. There, 90 million big ones saved!

Easter Eggs are not new. They go back to the beginning of time. Some more embarrassing eggs have caused a few people to be fired. (Like the egg in a version of Photoshop that caused the program to crash on double-byte machines.) Most eggs are harmless. People have hidden small games in business applications. This allows office workers to screw-off all day long. When the boss comes by they hit a Function Key which displays the spreadsheet they are supposed to be working on.

The Grand Theft Auto Easter Egg is harmless.

"Shit! Get out the tar and pitchforks! He just said porn was harmless! Break out the Southern Baptists!"

The Grand Theft Auto Easter Egg is harmless because it is contained within Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto should only be in the hands of mature persons because Grand Theft Auto is played by stealing cars, shooting police, doing drug deals, and picking up hookers to gather health points. Writing some law that says you can't put sexually explicit material in a video game with a mature or adults only rating is like saying Hef has to take the pictures out of Playboy.

You might argue that kids get their hands on Playboy all the time. Yes, that's been happening for decades. And other than being required to wear corrective lenses to drive, it didn't hurt me a bit! Playboy is not knowingly sold the minors. It's a magazine for adults. Grand Theft Auto is a game for adults. It's a game that no good parent is going to allow little Johnny to have... right?

When I was a kid, I had parents. One of them decided I was not allowed to watch The Three Stooges. Although I believe this was ineffective, because I constantly poke people in the eyes at staff meetings, my mother was within her role of being a parent to decide that wasn't right for her little boy. She made a decision, and that was the law. People who allow their kids to buy Grand Theft Auto are not parents. Maybe we should call them Adult Money Providers, but parents they are not. So this bitching that we have to save our kids is miss-directed. We have to save our kids not from video games, but from adults who have custody and refuse to be a parent.

I'm all for a ratings system, and one exists in the video game industry. Now parents have to use it, and say to little Johnny, "No, you can't play Grand Theft Auto. Now, have a Diet Coke, go outside and play with your BB gun!"

This Issue's Headline submission to the National Daily World Enquiring Globe.

Pot Raid Ends in Gunfire!

Resistance to Earlier School Start Mounting

Let's play, "Who said this?"

Heard in the halls of various software companies.

"He took an ice cream sandwich and put two cookies around it! Did you see how big his mouth opened?"
"What's the big deal? He just unhinged his jaw like the other snakes."

"Do you know what's great about the flex spending plan?"
"Uh... It's flexible?"
"No."
"It's easy to defraud?"
"Good point, but no. What's great about it is that the checks come here at work, and Fry's is between work and my wife at home."

"He had to have at least one Coma Pizza before we send him back to Germany!"

Excuse Me

There's a wise guy sitting across from me.

Fek'Lar
(The Last Honest Geek)

Remember: The Crapolla contains my personal opinions. That's right they're mine, so get your own! And you kids get off my lawn!

Although written with the software professional in mind, my mind tends to wander all over the place, and I sometimes write about politics, mass stoopidity, dumb things I saw, and whatever else comes to mind.

From time to time, I use salty language, thus The Crapolla is not intended for children, or certain people in the Bush Administration.

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EOJ

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